This whole ordeal has really got me looking deeper at myself and my life. I'm learning a lot about who I am and God is laying bare so many rough edges that He needs to chisel away.
Melissa (Colin's wife) inspired me through her words and especially through her transparency. When Colin got sick, she clung to him, nursed him, loved him and spent her time figuring out the best ways to make him comfortable, even in his pain. I wonder. What would my reaction be if that was our family... If it were Trevor who was so sick? Anyone who truly knows and understands me will know that I am an extremely emotional person and if I trust you, I'm pretty transparent with you. But I also know that I tend to shut down, to push away from things that are hard. Would I cling to Trevor and spend my time making him happy, or would I distance myself from everything happening around me in order to protect myself? Let me tell you, the fact that I even question what my reaction would be makes me ashamed. Would I allow God to use our situation to witness to people or would I allow myself to fall into my old patterns and push people away?
I admire the way that Colin and Melissa clung to God and the way that their faith grew on what seemed like a daily basis. Do I desire to know God more every single day? Do I allow my faith to grow stagnant? Is my first reaction to problems (or to joy or to fear) to take it to God, or do I try to take care of it myself and as a last resort, toss it on God's lap?
I love the way that they were eternally optimistic. My pessimism is the thing I hate the most about myself. Instead of looking at everything in a positive light, I wait for the other shoe to drop. It isn't my way to look for joy. Melissa found joy even in the midst of Colin's celebration of life. She was able to smile through her tears and be so excited that Colin is with Jesus. Wow. I want to be joyful. God tells us to be joyful... I should be able to look at the simplest things in my life and feel joy. Maybe that's part of my problem.... A lack of simplicity in my life. My dad told me this weekend, "Beckie, the best place to make big decisions in life is in a cemetery." How true. As I stood on the outskirts of the crowd at Colin's burial, I was struck by how simple everything boils down to be. Colin lived his life with a contagious joy and a faith that affected everything he thought and felt. God wants us to love Him, to love people, and to have faith in His inherent goodness. Should be pretty simple, no?
When I'm dealing with other people, I always assume that they think negatively about me, no matter who they are or how well I know them (yes, this means I've probably thought this of you at some point.) This is the personality trait that Trev finds the most irritating of all, I'm sure. Poor Trev is constantly trying to convince me that people aren't as bad as I am convinced they are. I hate this about myself as well.... It's exhausting to always be second-guessing every word, every expression, every behavior around me.
So the real question here is, "Can I change?" I don't want to change on the surface. I want my personality to change almost in it's entirety... All the way down into the deepest parts of my heart. Where do I start? How do I make the change a permanent one? I know that the first step is to give it to God... Like I said earlier, my typical behavior would be to try to change by myself first and then, when that didn't work, give it to God. That's not what I want. I KNOW that God is the only one who can change my heart.
I guess my problem is that I'm a very list-oriented person.... I want someone to give me the steps to change.... Like a recipe. A recipe, I can understand. If you add this, this and this and mix it well into a heart that's been pre-heated, the result will be a spirit and personality that God might be happy with. The thing I desire most in my life is that God will look at me on the day that I join Him and say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Servant.... Faithful.... Good.... None of those words really describe me... And I'm ashamed of it.
What would people say about me if they were attending my funeral? **This is a rhetoric question.... I'm not asking for feedback... I don't want to know!!** Would people look back at my life and see a woman who wanted to honor God more that anything else in her life? Would people see a woman who took missions seriously, whether I'm ministering to my kids or to my neighbors, co-workers, etc? Or would they say that I was bitter? Afraid? Paranoid? Self-absorbed? Etc Etc Etc....
I'm 30 years old (well, not quite, but almost) and I'm just starting to see who I am? Self-awareness and the desire to be a better person.... Shouldn't I have conquered that about 8 years ago?
Please pray for me. Pray that I will feel passionately about this change long term. Pray that God will begin a good work in me, because I know He'll be faithful to complete it. Pray that I will be able to do the hard things... To change my patterns, to change my reactions, to change my heart way down deep.
Missy, if you're reading this, I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are such an inspiration. I love you.
