Admitting I make mistakes...

I did something this week to remedy a mistake I made about 4 years ago. I called my pastor and asked if he'd put me back on a worship team.

Way back, when I decided to quit the team, I over-reacted to a comment made to me by Person X... I'm aware that I'm not really known as an over-reactor ;) and if you'd asked me even 1 year ago, I'd have told you that my hurt feelings were justified. In fact, this comment (which I'm not going to tell you) was the first step in our leaving the church three years ago!

We'd attended two other churches in the time between when we left Church X and now, but we really didn't connect. Finally, in March of last year, we gave up. It became more and more difficult to attend churches that didn't fit us, especially since Samuel refused to go to nursery and stay there. We kind of figured that, since one of us was always missing the entire service, what was the point?

Little side note here.... And a HUGE step in being transparent in my opinion.... Last year, I was diagnosed with social anxiety. Since I was raped, I've struggled with crowds of people. Groups of more than 5 people caused panic attacks and made me sick to my stomach. I've even had trouble at Christmas gatherings with my own family (but obviously not because I was afraid for my safety.) I had some pretty common symptoms of social anxiety... blushing, rapid heartbeat, upset stomach, shaking, belief that I was being judged negatively by others around me, creating reasons to avoid social situations.

So you can see why we quit church.

God created a desire in me to go back to church(Trevor always had that desire,) but we wrestled with where we should go first. In the end, a friend of mine pleaded with me to give Church X another try and she wore me down (I love you for it K!) Much to our surprise, the minute we walked into the church, we felt like we'd come home.

I've always had a passionate love for music and for worship. I've been a part of a worship team off and on since I was 15. And even when I wasn't on a team, I've never stopped singing.... I spend as many hours as I can(which isn't always much,) playing the piano and singing here at home, but I've been missing being a part of a team. More than that, I've missed leading others in worship! We all worship God in different ways, and everyone is passionate about something. The key is to acknowledge that the passion you have is God nudging you forward, urging you to use it for His glory, right?

Another little side note... And yet another look a little deeper into Beckie... Growing up, I'd watch my sisters singing together. I'd listen to their perfect harmonies and I'd wish with all my might that I could have the opportunity to do that with them. But by the time my voice had matured enough to sing harmony, my sisters were grown and gone. All through high school, I was compared to my big sisters and I always seemed to come up short... Academically, in beauty, and in talent. I'm not saying that people who truly loved me did that, but I heard it enough that it became my big disappointment in life. I believed I wasn't good enough and that I really had very little to offer, certainly no real talent. I don't remember anyone saying, "Beckie, you sure can't sing like your sisters can," but that is the impression I came away from my teen years with. I can't sing. I'm not a good piano player. I shouldn't be on worship teams because there are so many other people with a real gift from God and I'd just be taking up space. The only reason I've been allowed to be a part of a team is because I'm a P.K. and it's expected of me. It is very difficult for me to hear from people that I have a gift. I always wonder if they're just telling me that to be polite and so I always brush it off... "Oh, no. But I appreciate the kind word."

Okay, back to the whole point of this rambling blog post. The day I finally decided to call Pastor Mike, I wrestled with my decision to step out of my safety zone. I'd reach for the phone and then start to panic. I felt a very real force pulling me back, telling me all the things I've spent my life believing about myself (see previous paragraph.) I forced myself to dial & to ask for the Pastor, believing with all my heart that I'd be told off... "Beckie, I'm sorry but we really don't have a need for someone like you." "Beckie, you just don't meet the qualifications to be on a team." Or my personal favorite, a true picture of how ridiculous I am, "Beckie, I've been meaning to call you. We were happy when you left our church 3 years ago because you really don't fit the mold. We'd prefer if you'd find a different church." Stupid, right? To my surprise, Pastor Mike was very gracious, excited even. The minute I got the question out of my mouth, he responded with a hearty, "Absolutely!"

I have experienced spiritual battles in my life. The nightmares I had every night for years after being raped was a graphic picture of one spiritual battle I'll never forget (and perhaps I'll get into that some day.) I believe that I've been struggling with a spiritual battle of a different kind lately... Satan's been feeding me lies and excuses for too long! He's even used God's word against me... "It's prideful to think you have talent and to ask if you can show it off by being on a worship team." God gave me the strength to get over my anxiety, my hurt feelings, all of the reasons I'd created to stay out of church and to keep my voice silent. God gave me the strength I needed to dial that phone number and to ask the hardest question in the world for me. Isn't He amazing? Satan doesn't want people in church, but Jesus defeated him. Satan doesn't want people to worship, but Jesus defeated him. Satan doesn't want people to be saved, but Jesus defeated him! Can't you see that snake being crushed under the heal of our Saviour? Awesome.

Where do I begin?

Eli had his first day of school last week and he did great! Sam & I took it pretty hard, but Eli was practically pushing us out the door! Sam wailed for his 'big broder' for a long time! In fact, the only way we were able to calm him down was to bribe him with a Starbucks Iced Latte (hilarious, actually... He begs for them!) and to let him go into the college with Trevor when he went to get his student card. For the first week, Sam would start looking around for Eli and when he remembered that Eli was at school, he'd start crying all over again. I even had to chase him down the street a couple times because he'd decided that he needed to go pick Eli up. Poor baby. This week, Sam's doing much better when we drop Eli off, but he's having a very hard time when Trev leaves the house for school. I think the poor muffin is jealous!

Eli's really enjoying school. Last weekend, he was angry (with me, for some reason) because he had the long weekend off from school! I'm having a hard time dragging out any kind of information about what he did at school and it's driving me crazy! Call me a control freak, but I'd really love to know what he's learning. I know he loves gym class because he actually remembers his gym teacher's name! He comes home almost every day with a new game he wants to teach us so that we can play them as a family. I know that he is NOT enjoying Spanish & French. I know that the girls in his class have crushes on him... The first day of school, I saw three of them chase him down to hug and kiss him goodbye! He's the biggest kid in his class by far and they seem to enjoy snuggling right into his chest.... Hussies! JUST KIDDING! His biggest problem in life right now is the girls.... He came to me and said, "Mom, I have a problem. I know that I want to marry Bella, but I keep meeting new pretty girls and now I don't know how to choose! Why can't I marry them all?" Little flirt.... We'll just have to keep him out of Utah. JUST KIDDING! Yesterday, he came home very excited because he made it through the whole day without getting into any kind of trouble from his teachers! The school uses 1,2,3 magic and before yesterday, he had a habit of getting to '1.' We simply encouraged him to try really hard to obey his teachers the first time they said something and we brain-stormed together about extra ways to be a helper like Jesus wants us to be. I do have one concern... And I know what you're all going to think or say BUT I'm going to tell y'all anyway... Eli's not being challenged at all. He's learning about what sounds the letters A & S make and he's tracing those letters. His class is working on sorting things according to size and color. He told me today that he was the first one to finish his assigned sorting worksheet and that it took him no time at all. Then he asked me to tell the teacher that he knows the letters, what sound they make, and how to draw them without tracing them. He wants her to help him learn to read! Now, I know that this is only the second week of school. I know that I'm probably over-reacting. I know that kids at this age learn well by simply playing and I know that he's learning invaluable social skills. I'm thinking that the teacher is trying to figure out where the rest of the class is and that things will probably change after his IPP is finished. Until then, I'll help him with reading here at home. I just don't want him to be bored and then to become a distraction.

Trevor started school last week, too. He's a little overwhelmed because there's a lot to learn. They did his course syllabus and that's always a very stressful time. Please pray that he has the confidence he needs. I have all the faith in the world that he's going to do great and I've never been more proud of him! I'm excited to see how he does this semester.

I got some news yesterday that was pretty difficult for me to hear. I took Sam in for his yearly check-up (he's perfect, by the way) and asked the doc about some meds to help with my back pain. I described what's really happening with my back and my leg and I mentioned that I was nervous that I wasn't going to be able to finish my degree in nursing. Dr. Saujani looked at me and said, "Beckie. You need to give that dream up. Even after you have the surgery on your back, you'll be at a high risk of re-injury. Nursing is just not a responsible career choice." Just a little background for you... When I was young (grade 3 or so,) my Aunt Jan and Uncle Don went to Africa with AIM for three years and since then, I've dreamed of medical missions. I've felt called in that area for as long as I can remember. Honestly, I did lose sight of that in my late teens and early twenties, but after getting married, the dream came back full force. I've planned for the last 6 years that, once my kids were in school, I'd go back, finish my degree and then do a yearly 3-6 week mission in Africa giving vaccines and whatnot. I feel a little bit lost now. I've been struggling with purpose recently as it is, but I always had something to plan towards. Now I don't have that. I don't really understand why I've felt so passionately called to something if I can't achieve it. Clearly, it was more my dream that God's plan. I'm struggling not to allow myself a pity party. I KNOW that God is bigger than a little back injury. I KNOW that God has a plan for me. I KNOW that He knows best and that once I realize whatever it is that God wants me to do, I'll look back and understand. I am so thankful that I found out that nursing is out now, rather than a few years from now. I have at least 2 years before it would even be feasible for me to start working towards a degree of some kind and so I'm realizing (AGAIN) that God's timing is perfect. He was so merciful to allow me this extra 2 years so that I can seek His desire for me.

Do you realize that it was almost exactly one year ago that our lives were turned upside down? At this time last year, we were more stressed out that we had ever been. We were scrambling to find a home and were struggling to trust God to take care of us. It's kind of funny to look back at it now. How stupid we were. We didn't allow ourselves to think beyond another rental. When God opened the door to buy a home, we didn't allow ourselves to dream big. When we realized that we could afford more than we thought we could, we put our options into a box... a small box. When Tim, our Realtor, brought us to this house, we laughed at it and told Tim that it was at least 20 thousand over what we could afford. We were actually frustrated with him for wasting our time by bringing us to a house we could never buy! God answered our prayers... But He went beyond that and showed us how much He cares, even about the little things. I look around my home now and I'm so filled with awe. He's just so good, all the time. How could I do anything BUT trust Him with my future career? Oy... Will I ever learn to just sit back and watch God do His thing?

Alright.... You're caught up I think. Trev's looking over my shoulder, waiting for the laptop so he can finish his homework.... Gotta go!

Love you all!