Admitting I make mistakes...

I did something this week to remedy a mistake I made about 4 years ago. I called my pastor and asked if he'd put me back on a worship team.

Way back, when I decided to quit the team, I over-reacted to a comment made to me by Person X... I'm aware that I'm not really known as an over-reactor ;) and if you'd asked me even 1 year ago, I'd have told you that my hurt feelings were justified. In fact, this comment (which I'm not going to tell you) was the first step in our leaving the church three years ago!

We'd attended two other churches in the time between when we left Church X and now, but we really didn't connect. Finally, in March of last year, we gave up. It became more and more difficult to attend churches that didn't fit us, especially since Samuel refused to go to nursery and stay there. We kind of figured that, since one of us was always missing the entire service, what was the point?

Little side note here.... And a HUGE step in being transparent in my opinion.... Last year, I was diagnosed with social anxiety. Since I was raped, I've struggled with crowds of people. Groups of more than 5 people caused panic attacks and made me sick to my stomach. I've even had trouble at Christmas gatherings with my own family (but obviously not because I was afraid for my safety.) I had some pretty common symptoms of social anxiety... blushing, rapid heartbeat, upset stomach, shaking, belief that I was being judged negatively by others around me, creating reasons to avoid social situations.

So you can see why we quit church.

God created a desire in me to go back to church(Trevor always had that desire,) but we wrestled with where we should go first. In the end, a friend of mine pleaded with me to give Church X another try and she wore me down (I love you for it K!) Much to our surprise, the minute we walked into the church, we felt like we'd come home.

I've always had a passionate love for music and for worship. I've been a part of a worship team off and on since I was 15. And even when I wasn't on a team, I've never stopped singing.... I spend as many hours as I can(which isn't always much,) playing the piano and singing here at home, but I've been missing being a part of a team. More than that, I've missed leading others in worship! We all worship God in different ways, and everyone is passionate about something. The key is to acknowledge that the passion you have is God nudging you forward, urging you to use it for His glory, right?

Another little side note... And yet another look a little deeper into Beckie... Growing up, I'd watch my sisters singing together. I'd listen to their perfect harmonies and I'd wish with all my might that I could have the opportunity to do that with them. But by the time my voice had matured enough to sing harmony, my sisters were grown and gone. All through high school, I was compared to my big sisters and I always seemed to come up short... Academically, in beauty, and in talent. I'm not saying that people who truly loved me did that, but I heard it enough that it became my big disappointment in life. I believed I wasn't good enough and that I really had very little to offer, certainly no real talent. I don't remember anyone saying, "Beckie, you sure can't sing like your sisters can," but that is the impression I came away from my teen years with. I can't sing. I'm not a good piano player. I shouldn't be on worship teams because there are so many other people with a real gift from God and I'd just be taking up space. The only reason I've been allowed to be a part of a team is because I'm a P.K. and it's expected of me. It is very difficult for me to hear from people that I have a gift. I always wonder if they're just telling me that to be polite and so I always brush it off... "Oh, no. But I appreciate the kind word."

Okay, back to the whole point of this rambling blog post. The day I finally decided to call Pastor Mike, I wrestled with my decision to step out of my safety zone. I'd reach for the phone and then start to panic. I felt a very real force pulling me back, telling me all the things I've spent my life believing about myself (see previous paragraph.) I forced myself to dial & to ask for the Pastor, believing with all my heart that I'd be told off... "Beckie, I'm sorry but we really don't have a need for someone like you." "Beckie, you just don't meet the qualifications to be on a team." Or my personal favorite, a true picture of how ridiculous I am, "Beckie, I've been meaning to call you. We were happy when you left our church 3 years ago because you really don't fit the mold. We'd prefer if you'd find a different church." Stupid, right? To my surprise, Pastor Mike was very gracious, excited even. The minute I got the question out of my mouth, he responded with a hearty, "Absolutely!"

I have experienced spiritual battles in my life. The nightmares I had every night for years after being raped was a graphic picture of one spiritual battle I'll never forget (and perhaps I'll get into that some day.) I believe that I've been struggling with a spiritual battle of a different kind lately... Satan's been feeding me lies and excuses for too long! He's even used God's word against me... "It's prideful to think you have talent and to ask if you can show it off by being on a worship team." God gave me the strength to get over my anxiety, my hurt feelings, all of the reasons I'd created to stay out of church and to keep my voice silent. God gave me the strength I needed to dial that phone number and to ask the hardest question in the world for me. Isn't He amazing? Satan doesn't want people in church, but Jesus defeated him. Satan doesn't want people to worship, but Jesus defeated him. Satan doesn't want people to be saved, but Jesus defeated him! Can't you see that snake being crushed under the heal of our Saviour? Awesome.