A little prayer request...

So I promised in my last post that I'd explain about the drama that occupies my mind. I really wrestled with whether or not to share what's happened because the drama hasn't finished unfolding yet, but I'm having a tough time and I feel like I need to share/write my feelings and thoughts or I'll go nuts.

I went to the doctor a few weeks back, mostly because Trevor finally wore me down. I'd had a blinding (literally... I go blind in my left eye when it's bad) headache for weeks, had been fainting & near-fainting several times/day, and that morning I had lost feeling in one of my fingertips. That last symptom is what pushed me over the edge... I'd always been a fainter, but when you add in all of the above, my lack of balance and my tremor it's cause for concern.

Honestly, I thought Parkinsons. It runs in my family and it's the only disease I could think of that might fit my symptoms. I wasn't prepared...

Multiple Sclerosis.

I was and am devastated by this possibility. For the first week, I felt peace, but since then peace has been fleeting. I'm more aware of things that I had simply gotten used to and there are symptoms that have gotten markedly worse. While I haven't fainted in more than a week (praise God,) there are times when my head feels like it will explode and times when my tremor is so prevalent that it stops me from doing things I have to do.... For example, cutting an onion for supper will take me 10 minutes. I can hear the tremor in my voice, so I won't sing anymore... I can't hang a picture on the wall, or type without making many mistakes. I'm embarrassed by all of this...

I should clarify.... I have some good days and I have some bad days. On good days, I feel almost normal, but on bad ones? Ugh.

I've had a CT, blood work, and EKG and all have come back normal. Awesome news in that I know I don't have a tumor and I know that I don't have leukemia. I'm waiting for a MRI & a spinal tap.

My doctor really hasn't suggested anything else.

There are moments when I'm overwhelmed and need to cry. There are moments when I'm mad. There are moments when I'm totally fine with whatever God is doing. But I KNOW I have to 'praise Him in the good times AND praise Him in the bad times.'

Pray for me if you're a pray-er.... That first and foremost I won't have MS or any other serious disease... That my symptoms will disappear or at least not get any worse.... That I will feel peace and that Trev will continue to feel peace about this.... That I can maintain some semblance of normalcy for the kids so they aren't worrying... And that I will choose to trust!

Surprise Holiday

It's been quite a while since I've been home and I still haven't gotten around to posting more details about my surprise birthday trip to the mountains! It's been a crazy week here (Next post I'll explain!)
Since so much happened, I'm going to do a day-by-day description.
Thursday:
My cousin Heidi and her family surprised me by showing up at my door! The funny thing was that Sam looked out the window just before they arrived and said, "Heidi's not here yet, Dad!" Trev somehow fluffed his way out of that one, but not twenty minutes later, Heidi appeared at my door! I cried! We sat and visited and then Heidi & I went for a drive/shopping trip on our own. It was so good to be able to visit with her, to be totally candid! We picked up pizza on the way home and not long after we ate, I got a call from my dear friend Kirsty, begging me to bring the kids over to play. I told her I had surprise company and wasn't sure how long they'd be able to stay, but Kirsty said to bring her along.... Odd, I thought... Heidi agreed immediately to go for a visit, stating she'd wanted to meet Kirsty for a long time.... Odder, I thought. We walked into Kirsty's house and I wandered into the living room (I tend to make myself at home over there) to discover another dear one, Melissa! I kind of missed the point up till now.... I didn't really realize that this was to be a party, I just assumed that Melissa and Tim had popped by, until Melissa whispered to me mid-hug that they were there for me! I sat down and began to relax (or at least tried to, talk about a day of surprises!) I'd 'relaxed' for maybe 10 minutes when I heard whispering in the front entry. Before I had a chance to ask Kirsty what's up, my Mom & my big sister Christi turned the corner. I couldn't believe it! I had asked Christi what she was up to that coming weekend and she didn't lie, but... LOL! Mom had been telling me that I needed to tell Trevor to let me go to Edmonton and that if he didn't feel up to it (he'd had minor surgery the day before) I should leave him behind and come anyway! I settle in again and start visiting with my vast array of darlings and my sister, Sheri walks in! Surprise after surprise! It was exciting and exhausting at the same time! My sister presents me with a card...
After the party breaks up, Ben & Heidi jump in their van for the 4 - 5 hour drive home.... They made the drive for just a few hours of visiting! Thank you Werdals! It meant the world to me!
We (meaning my sisters, my mom, my hubby, my kids & I) head home and I start packing. I don't think I got more than a few hours of sleep that night... SO EXCITED!

Friday:

I woke up and was ready to go before anyone else was! I honestly thought I'd be upset about leaving my kids and Trev (and so did everyone else) but it was no problem. We jumped in Mom's CRV and off we went. We made the drive to Canmore in really good time and stopped for lunch at a little bistro downtown. We headed to the hotel after eating so that we could check in and so I could dig out my camera. I wasn't willing to do very much without my camera. The hotel suite was beautiful!

I wish you could have seen/experienced the wonder I felt when I saw those mountains. I was raised in Sundre, AB, so I had a good view of the mountains from the kitchen window of my childhood home. My grandparents lived in B.C. and in order to get there, we'd drive right through the center of them! Mountains were not a new concept for me. But it's been more than 7 years since I've seen them and I honestly felt like a 'mountain virgin'....

Anyway, back to the fun. We wandered and window-shopped and shopped the afternoon away and it was time to eat. I was hungry but no one could settle on a place to eat... Sheri had us wandering down Main Street one direction and then we had to turn around and go back the other way! We stepped into a beautiful furniture shop to warm up and Christi disappeared, saying she was just going to pop into the washroom. You have to understand, I'm not pleasant when I'm hungry.... Even when I'm having the time of my life! Christi FINALLY emerges and we head back outside to find a suitable restaurant. Wandering, wandering... And I hear my name being shouted from somewhere behind me! Up walks my younger brother Mark and my sis-in-law, Danielle! My sisters and mom were stalling until Mark & Danielle could catch up with us. We all walked together (to the other side of town, go figure) to The Quarry, a bar/grill type establishment. Sidenote: If you visit The Quarry, stay away from the ribs and the chicken! All 6 of us headed back to our hotel to visit for a while before turning in... So nice to see Mark & Danielle by the way... They're about to have Baby Gracie & happened to be on a final adult get-away in Banff at the same time

Saturday:

We decided pretty much as soon as we were up to get ready and get on the road... Okay, I decided that's what we were going to do!We jumped in the car and headed on the highway towards Banff. We exhibited our adventurous side by deciding on a whim to drive out to Lake Louise (after getting our Starbucks fix in Banff of course!) I've never been to Lake Louise and it took my breath away! We walked outside as long as we could and then headed in to tour the hotel so we could warm up. What an ostentatious and ornate place! We sat for a few minutes (they visited, I stared outside like a tourist) and then we went back out to walk. We made it back to Banff in time for a late lunch and some afternoon shopping.

Supper on Saturday was a hilarious gong show. We stopped at a Boston Pizza when we got to Canmore and placed a delivery order for 7... At 8, it finally showed up wrong and ice cold! To be fair though, the delivery driver was obviously embarrassed and sorry for the mistakes. He went to bat for us, getting us new pizza, dessert, & $15 cash back. We spent the evening enjoying ridiculous girly talk & so much laughter.

Sunday:

Final day of relaxation, of no responsibility, of quiet, of being without my beloved & the two little loves of my life. We ate a leisurely breakfast and headed out for one last hike on a little path through Canmore. We had coffee & stopped at a store so that I could buy the one thing that both caught my eye & would serve to remind me of the joy I felt that weekend.

It's been several weeks & little details have escaped me, but there were a few moments and just general feelings that I remember most clearly.

I was moved nearly to tears several times over the weekend because my sisters and my mom took time out of their schedules to plan and execute a trip simply because of me... I know and have always known that all three of them love me so much, but I've never felt like I fit in with them. This weekend made me realize that regardless of age, financial situation, location just being family creates a love and acceptance that I've never felt.

On the drive to and from Lake Louise, we stumbled into serious conversations and we each treated each other with kindness and respect. I have a genuine desire to learn from all three of these women things that they have done right with their kids, how to best relate to our husbands, how to accept who we are... They are chalk-full of wisdom!

Listening to music, especially Bart Millard. It made me think of my childhood, listening to Sheri & Christi sing, but being too young to join in... All 4 of us sang old hymns together & praised God together. Music is so important to me and it's something that I have in common with each of them. I happen to be listening to him right now!

Anyway, thanks to each of my 'surprisers.' You were just who I would have asked to be involved had I planned it myself. I love each and every one of you and I thank you so much for loving me!

I'm planning on posting a detailed account of my amazing weekend away, but I'm a little busy today... I'll post some pics now and do another post later.

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I've always got these fantastic intentions every time I finish writing a post... I feel like a weight has been lifted nearly every time and so I tell myself, "Wow, that felt good! I'm going to be sure to do this more often!" And then weeks go by without another passing thought regarding my writing. I'd like to say, "Well, I really don't have the time. I'm simply too busy!"Transparency time... I'm not too busy, I'm too lazy ;)

So news update first.... Trevor did SWIMMINGLY on his midterms.... He scored 100% on his programming midterm and while he didn't earn a perfect score on any others, he did receive wonderful marks. I'm incredibly proud of him.... He's my superstar!

Eli's arm isn't healing as quickly as we'd hoped. We saw Dr. Riaz, an orthopedic surgeon one week after his arm broke and our hopes of a quick recovery were dashed. On that very first appointment, he told us to expect him to be casted for 5 to 6 weeks and suggested (well, I'm being polite here.... ) that Eli should avoid all physical activity, at least until the 3 week mark. We've been back to see him twice since then and this last Friday, he took x-rays and could clearly see the break in black, rather than grey (which indicates healing.) Dr. Riaz changed Eli's cast and then lowered the boom on us. Rather than returning to recess and full days at school tomorrow, he's chalked on another 6 weeks from now of inactivity. Yes, the cast comes off on November 26, but for 3 weeks after that Eli's not to be playing like a 5-year old. Big, fat bummer. I'm more than willing to enforce what he's 'suggested' simply because I don't want to take unnecessary risks, but we're not happy about it. That brings us to the end of the first semester.... Meaning the first half of his first year of school is totally restricted.

I have been volunteering about once a week in Eli's class for the last month and a half or so (thanks to my dear, local 'family' Kirsty) and I have learned a lot about myself. First, and most surprising, I'm not a child-hater after all. I've spent my entire adult life believing that I couldn't stand random children to whom I had no personal tie (and even if I had a personal tie, sometimes I STILL couldn't stand them ;) ) Second, I learned that maybe God does have a different plan for my life than to be a nurse. I should know better than to believe that because I injured myself, God's plans for me simply ceased to exist. Since I 'KNEW' that God created me with nursing in mind, I felt like I no longer had a purpose of any kind once I learned that my back wouldn't allow it to happen. I know that it sounds ridiculous on so many different levels, and I certainly didn't believe it on a conscious level but I think that's why I was so lost when my doc told me to let it go. Anyway, I've been enjoying working with Eli's class so much that I wonder if maybe teaching (or becoming a T.A.) might be an option for me. I love teaching kids new things. I love listening to the funny and interesting things coming out of their mouths. I know that I really wouldn't have any interest in working with kids older than 9 or 10 unless I taught high school bio or something like that. I don't know.... I've still got at least 2 years before I can start to pursue anything at all, but I do feel encouraged because something other than nursing has captured my attention, for now anyway.

Our pastor spoke on gifts a few weeks back and since then, I've been wondering a lot about what my gifts are and where God wants me to work within the church. I haven't felt a lot of peace regarding worship and I'm not sure if God is telling me that He wants me somewhere else or if it's Satan attacking my desire to lead people in worshiping. I don't really feel like I fit in or that I'm needed on the team I'm on and I really feel like 4 years away from public singing has taken a toll on my voice. Different people have mentioned to me that maybe I should use my past and testimony to speak to teens and young adults about consequences. One lady said that she didn't believe that kids really understand why partying and whatnot are so bad.... If God will forgive them, why not have some fun while they're young. Boy, did I ever live that way when I was younger.... And I'm still paying for many of my decisions just like Trev is still paying for his past choices... Anyway, believers, you can be praying for wisdom from God that I would know where He wants me to be.

Trev's having surgery this morning (I started this post a few days ago and now it's Wednesday).... He's having his uvula removed! I may have spent my last sleepless night waiting for my husband to be transformed into a horrible noisy pig! Trevor was explaining to each of the kids last night what the doctor was going to do and both kids had hilarious reactions! When Trevor told Eli that his surgery would stop his snoring, Eli said, "Oh, so Momma won't have to sleep on the couch anymore?" and Sam said, "You mean so that you can sleep with Momma? In her bed?" Funny that they both have basically the same reaction.... They've seen us sleeping separately so often (and have been wakened themselves by his noise) that it's just become normal for them.... They can't imagine having their parents sleep together!

My 30th birthday is coming on Saturday and I have a feeling something is up.... I'll let you all know when I know!

A quick slideshow....

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It's been an interesting week here at the Muirhead home.

This past weekend, we had some company for Thanksgiving.... And I cooked my first major holiday meal! But along with fun family times came drama.... Friday night, my parents were in a horrific car crash on the way here. My dad rear-ended a truck with a trailer carrying ATVS and their car was totaled. After seeing a picture of the car, I am so aware of how blessed my family is that they survived that accident, let alone walked away unscathed. My mom told me that she never felt the impact & the air-bags never touched her. I honestly believe that Mom & Dad had angels sitting right there on their laps... How else can you explain them surviving without injury? I'll tell you, we had more to be thankful for this year than we have in a long time. Thank you Jesus that you protected Mom and Dad and that you gave them the courage to get back into a vehicle the next morning so that we could celebrate your goodness together!

My little brother, Mark and his wife, Danielle came to see our home for the first time. I'm not sure how long it's been since we've seen them, maybe 6 months? Danielle is pregnant for the first time with little baby Gracie, another reason for thanksgiving! She's feeling great and looking absolutely amazing... And I felt a baby kick for the first time outside my own body... Miraculous. My kids absolutely fell in love with them... In fact, Sam saw a picture of Mark this morning and said to me, "Oh Mom! There's that funny guy! I love that guy!"

Mike and Christi came with their kids and, although they didn't stay here in our home (Mike has a brother, James, who lives in the Hat with his fam too,) we really had a blast. Our kids play so well together! Eli was asked at school to write down what he was thankful for and he wrote, "LOG," meaning Logan, & "MADEE," referring to his cousin Madison. So sweet! I really don't feel like I see my sis enough.... I have so much respect for her and admire her easy-going spirit and level-headed wisdom (Yes, Christi it's true! But Sheri, it's true for you too.... I love you both EQUALLY! LOL!)

Mom and Dad got to stay longer than the rest since they both had appointments here in town, so we got to love on them more than the rest. And again, I was thankful. I decided to keep Eli home from school on Tuesday so that he could spend extra time with Nana & Papa and I had moments that I regretted it! Mom and Dad both stepped in to help me with disciplining the boys and if they hadn't been here, I'd have been ready for the nut-house.... What a day!

Yesterday we had a very rough evening. Eli was running on the couch and tried to jump over the couch arm. He tripped, fell, and his arm hit the wooden dining room chair on the way to the floor. He broke his arm... The ulna was snapped and displaced and the radius was bowed as far as it can be without breaking! It's horrible watching your child go through pain like that, but he was either unbelievable brave and tough or in shock. As soon as we walked into the ER, they rushed us back to a room and got a splint on him. They x-rayed him (and the tech said that he did better than most adults!) The doc came in, showed us the x-ray and told us his plan of action. He decided on a conscious sedation, but then changed his mind and chose to knock him out since they'd need to pull on his arm until it was back in place... :( Yuck. He was quite funny actually.... The nurse told him that he'd be giving him some medicine to put him to sleep and he quickly informed Nurse Ryan that it would NOT put him out! Once he was asleep, they asked Trevor & I to get some coffee (apparently, a dad punched the doc once while he tried to set his son's arm) and by the time we got back, he was casted. He was hilarious coming out of his 'deep sleep'.... Asking the same silly questions over and over, telling the nurse "I told you that medicine wouldn't work!", noticing his cast for what he thought was the first time over and over. He said he could walk to x-ray for a re-shoot all by himself and then said, "Whoa, I'm feeling a little woobily!"He had all the nurses and doctors giggling when, while we walked out of the ER, he shouted, "Thank you, sir!" to the nurse and "Thank you, sir for fixing my arm. And for that shot!" to the doctor! He made up songs about the moon and, once we picked Sam up from Auntie Kirsty's house, lullabies to put him to sleep. He had a very rough night, waking up several times through the night crying in pain. We're staying on top of Tylenol and Advil now so he's feeling a bit better. Now, for those of you who think I'm a big cry baby, I have to tell you that the only time I cried at all (and even then it was just a few quiet tears) was while I was praying over him in the ER.... We're praising the Lord today for amazing (and FAST) care at the hospital. The nurses and doctors (we had 3 in the room while he was sleeping!), the x-ray techs, the porters & the RT were all amazing. They were kind and understanding, answered all of our questions respectfully, and got us out of there in 2 1/2 hours! And we're praising Him too for giving us 'family' in town when we needed them the most. Kirsty, you are such a blessing to me and to my family. When Mom and Dad moved away, I was so afraid of being alone with no support, but God saw fit to bring you back into our lives and you became like a sister to me. Thank you so much! We love you!

Okay, you're caught up now (I think! I'm on NO sleep baby!) Some pics for you....

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Purpose

Several months back, my family & I headed out to Red Deer to visit my Grandma Bartell. I'm sure that I've written about her before, but to remind you...

When I was in my last 5 or 6 months of high school, my Dad got a job here in Medicine Hat. Mom & Dad moved here and left me in the care of my Grandma & Grandpa Bartell. I loved the time I lived with them and think back on it often. I remember how Grandma would ask me in the mornings what I'd like her to bake that day and when I'd return from school, I'd find my request cooling beside her oven... I could ask for the easiest or most complicated of treats and she'd find the time to make them. I remember one day, I'd come home from school to find no treat for an after school snack.... She had all the ingredients for donuts lined up on the counter, fat heating on the stove, sugar topping mixed and ready... "I'm going to teach you to make donuts today, dear!" she'd told me. She always found time to do something or to say something or teach me something so that I'd know how she loved me. Grandpa and I would sit down to dinner with her and tell her over and over how delicious the food was. We'd often spend the evenings playing games together or just sitting in the same room; the two of them reading and me doing my homework.

There is so much more to my Grandma than delicious cooking and baking that I admire in her. I find myself wondering what I could do to become a more Godly woman, a more giving woman, a kinder woman... A woman more like my Grandma. Her life has had an enormous impact on my life.

So, we went for a visit, Eli, Sam, Trevor & myself. Grandma had been feeling rundown and tired, like she'd run out of purpose before she ran out of time, but she was also full of joy. She smiled and laughed and told us stories all weekend. At one point, Grandma told me about a woman who worked there who had been asking her questions about the Lord. "Well, Grandma, I know that you're frustrated because you want to go Home, but what if God wants to use you to influence her for His Glory?" I've reminded her of that several times since our visit, when she starts to feel lonely for Heaven.

Yesterday morning, Grandma was very sick. Her lips, hands and feet were beginning to turn blue and she wasn't breathing very well. She pulled out of it (as she often does) and told my Aunt Donna about it last night, "I thought I was dying!" Donna asked her how she felt when she realized that she wasn't going to die then, and Grandma said something about being discouraged, but then she added that yesterday afternoon, she had the opportunity to lead that woman to the Lord! PRAISE GOD!

I'm really overwhelmed by this. I've said to my hubby over and over, "I just don't understand why He won't let her go Home!?!" The only thing that has made Grandma's life worth anything to her is her love for Jesus... And now, because Jesus has let her live long past when she wanted to die, another soul has been added to the Book of Life. Isn't He amazing?

I guess God's shown His hand.... He has a purpose for every soul, even the very young and the very old. I truly believe that He doesn't allow us to come Home to Him until our purpose has been achieved. Maybe Grandma's purpose has been realized and now He'll let her go....

Admitting I make mistakes...

I did something this week to remedy a mistake I made about 4 years ago. I called my pastor and asked if he'd put me back on a worship team.

Way back, when I decided to quit the team, I over-reacted to a comment made to me by Person X... I'm aware that I'm not really known as an over-reactor ;) and if you'd asked me even 1 year ago, I'd have told you that my hurt feelings were justified. In fact, this comment (which I'm not going to tell you) was the first step in our leaving the church three years ago!

We'd attended two other churches in the time between when we left Church X and now, but we really didn't connect. Finally, in March of last year, we gave up. It became more and more difficult to attend churches that didn't fit us, especially since Samuel refused to go to nursery and stay there. We kind of figured that, since one of us was always missing the entire service, what was the point?

Little side note here.... And a HUGE step in being transparent in my opinion.... Last year, I was diagnosed with social anxiety. Since I was raped, I've struggled with crowds of people. Groups of more than 5 people caused panic attacks and made me sick to my stomach. I've even had trouble at Christmas gatherings with my own family (but obviously not because I was afraid for my safety.) I had some pretty common symptoms of social anxiety... blushing, rapid heartbeat, upset stomach, shaking, belief that I was being judged negatively by others around me, creating reasons to avoid social situations.

So you can see why we quit church.

God created a desire in me to go back to church(Trevor always had that desire,) but we wrestled with where we should go first. In the end, a friend of mine pleaded with me to give Church X another try and she wore me down (I love you for it K!) Much to our surprise, the minute we walked into the church, we felt like we'd come home.

I've always had a passionate love for music and for worship. I've been a part of a worship team off and on since I was 15. And even when I wasn't on a team, I've never stopped singing.... I spend as many hours as I can(which isn't always much,) playing the piano and singing here at home, but I've been missing being a part of a team. More than that, I've missed leading others in worship! We all worship God in different ways, and everyone is passionate about something. The key is to acknowledge that the passion you have is God nudging you forward, urging you to use it for His glory, right?

Another little side note... And yet another look a little deeper into Beckie... Growing up, I'd watch my sisters singing together. I'd listen to their perfect harmonies and I'd wish with all my might that I could have the opportunity to do that with them. But by the time my voice had matured enough to sing harmony, my sisters were grown and gone. All through high school, I was compared to my big sisters and I always seemed to come up short... Academically, in beauty, and in talent. I'm not saying that people who truly loved me did that, but I heard it enough that it became my big disappointment in life. I believed I wasn't good enough and that I really had very little to offer, certainly no real talent. I don't remember anyone saying, "Beckie, you sure can't sing like your sisters can," but that is the impression I came away from my teen years with. I can't sing. I'm not a good piano player. I shouldn't be on worship teams because there are so many other people with a real gift from God and I'd just be taking up space. The only reason I've been allowed to be a part of a team is because I'm a P.K. and it's expected of me. It is very difficult for me to hear from people that I have a gift. I always wonder if they're just telling me that to be polite and so I always brush it off... "Oh, no. But I appreciate the kind word."

Okay, back to the whole point of this rambling blog post. The day I finally decided to call Pastor Mike, I wrestled with my decision to step out of my safety zone. I'd reach for the phone and then start to panic. I felt a very real force pulling me back, telling me all the things I've spent my life believing about myself (see previous paragraph.) I forced myself to dial & to ask for the Pastor, believing with all my heart that I'd be told off... "Beckie, I'm sorry but we really don't have a need for someone like you." "Beckie, you just don't meet the qualifications to be on a team." Or my personal favorite, a true picture of how ridiculous I am, "Beckie, I've been meaning to call you. We were happy when you left our church 3 years ago because you really don't fit the mold. We'd prefer if you'd find a different church." Stupid, right? To my surprise, Pastor Mike was very gracious, excited even. The minute I got the question out of my mouth, he responded with a hearty, "Absolutely!"

I have experienced spiritual battles in my life. The nightmares I had every night for years after being raped was a graphic picture of one spiritual battle I'll never forget (and perhaps I'll get into that some day.) I believe that I've been struggling with a spiritual battle of a different kind lately... Satan's been feeding me lies and excuses for too long! He's even used God's word against me... "It's prideful to think you have talent and to ask if you can show it off by being on a worship team." God gave me the strength to get over my anxiety, my hurt feelings, all of the reasons I'd created to stay out of church and to keep my voice silent. God gave me the strength I needed to dial that phone number and to ask the hardest question in the world for me. Isn't He amazing? Satan doesn't want people in church, but Jesus defeated him. Satan doesn't want people to worship, but Jesus defeated him. Satan doesn't want people to be saved, but Jesus defeated him! Can't you see that snake being crushed under the heal of our Saviour? Awesome.

Where do I begin?

Eli had his first day of school last week and he did great! Sam & I took it pretty hard, but Eli was practically pushing us out the door! Sam wailed for his 'big broder' for a long time! In fact, the only way we were able to calm him down was to bribe him with a Starbucks Iced Latte (hilarious, actually... He begs for them!) and to let him go into the college with Trevor when he went to get his student card. For the first week, Sam would start looking around for Eli and when he remembered that Eli was at school, he'd start crying all over again. I even had to chase him down the street a couple times because he'd decided that he needed to go pick Eli up. Poor baby. This week, Sam's doing much better when we drop Eli off, but he's having a very hard time when Trev leaves the house for school. I think the poor muffin is jealous!

Eli's really enjoying school. Last weekend, he was angry (with me, for some reason) because he had the long weekend off from school! I'm having a hard time dragging out any kind of information about what he did at school and it's driving me crazy! Call me a control freak, but I'd really love to know what he's learning. I know he loves gym class because he actually remembers his gym teacher's name! He comes home almost every day with a new game he wants to teach us so that we can play them as a family. I know that he is NOT enjoying Spanish & French. I know that the girls in his class have crushes on him... The first day of school, I saw three of them chase him down to hug and kiss him goodbye! He's the biggest kid in his class by far and they seem to enjoy snuggling right into his chest.... Hussies! JUST KIDDING! His biggest problem in life right now is the girls.... He came to me and said, "Mom, I have a problem. I know that I want to marry Bella, but I keep meeting new pretty girls and now I don't know how to choose! Why can't I marry them all?" Little flirt.... We'll just have to keep him out of Utah. JUST KIDDING! Yesterday, he came home very excited because he made it through the whole day without getting into any kind of trouble from his teachers! The school uses 1,2,3 magic and before yesterday, he had a habit of getting to '1.' We simply encouraged him to try really hard to obey his teachers the first time they said something and we brain-stormed together about extra ways to be a helper like Jesus wants us to be. I do have one concern... And I know what you're all going to think or say BUT I'm going to tell y'all anyway... Eli's not being challenged at all. He's learning about what sounds the letters A & S make and he's tracing those letters. His class is working on sorting things according to size and color. He told me today that he was the first one to finish his assigned sorting worksheet and that it took him no time at all. Then he asked me to tell the teacher that he knows the letters, what sound they make, and how to draw them without tracing them. He wants her to help him learn to read! Now, I know that this is only the second week of school. I know that I'm probably over-reacting. I know that kids at this age learn well by simply playing and I know that he's learning invaluable social skills. I'm thinking that the teacher is trying to figure out where the rest of the class is and that things will probably change after his IPP is finished. Until then, I'll help him with reading here at home. I just don't want him to be bored and then to become a distraction.

Trevor started school last week, too. He's a little overwhelmed because there's a lot to learn. They did his course syllabus and that's always a very stressful time. Please pray that he has the confidence he needs. I have all the faith in the world that he's going to do great and I've never been more proud of him! I'm excited to see how he does this semester.

I got some news yesterday that was pretty difficult for me to hear. I took Sam in for his yearly check-up (he's perfect, by the way) and asked the doc about some meds to help with my back pain. I described what's really happening with my back and my leg and I mentioned that I was nervous that I wasn't going to be able to finish my degree in nursing. Dr. Saujani looked at me and said, "Beckie. You need to give that dream up. Even after you have the surgery on your back, you'll be at a high risk of re-injury. Nursing is just not a responsible career choice." Just a little background for you... When I was young (grade 3 or so,) my Aunt Jan and Uncle Don went to Africa with AIM for three years and since then, I've dreamed of medical missions. I've felt called in that area for as long as I can remember. Honestly, I did lose sight of that in my late teens and early twenties, but after getting married, the dream came back full force. I've planned for the last 6 years that, once my kids were in school, I'd go back, finish my degree and then do a yearly 3-6 week mission in Africa giving vaccines and whatnot. I feel a little bit lost now. I've been struggling with purpose recently as it is, but I always had something to plan towards. Now I don't have that. I don't really understand why I've felt so passionately called to something if I can't achieve it. Clearly, it was more my dream that God's plan. I'm struggling not to allow myself a pity party. I KNOW that God is bigger than a little back injury. I KNOW that God has a plan for me. I KNOW that He knows best and that once I realize whatever it is that God wants me to do, I'll look back and understand. I am so thankful that I found out that nursing is out now, rather than a few years from now. I have at least 2 years before it would even be feasible for me to start working towards a degree of some kind and so I'm realizing (AGAIN) that God's timing is perfect. He was so merciful to allow me this extra 2 years so that I can seek His desire for me.

Do you realize that it was almost exactly one year ago that our lives were turned upside down? At this time last year, we were more stressed out that we had ever been. We were scrambling to find a home and were struggling to trust God to take care of us. It's kind of funny to look back at it now. How stupid we were. We didn't allow ourselves to think beyond another rental. When God opened the door to buy a home, we didn't allow ourselves to dream big. When we realized that we could afford more than we thought we could, we put our options into a box... a small box. When Tim, our Realtor, brought us to this house, we laughed at it and told Tim that it was at least 20 thousand over what we could afford. We were actually frustrated with him for wasting our time by bringing us to a house we could never buy! God answered our prayers... But He went beyond that and showed us how much He cares, even about the little things. I look around my home now and I'm so filled with awe. He's just so good, all the time. How could I do anything BUT trust Him with my future career? Oy... Will I ever learn to just sit back and watch God do His thing?

Alright.... You're caught up I think. Trev's looking over my shoulder, waiting for the laptop so he can finish his homework.... Gotta go!

Love you all!

Transparency, take 2!

It's been an awfully long time since I wrote about being transparent.... Does anyone see the irony in that?

A lot has been happening in our lives and in my heart, so I'll share a little bit with you.

The biggest change that's happening for us right now? Trevor and Eli are both starting school next week. Trev found out on Thursday of last week that WCB had agreed to send him to school. He spent a few hours at the college on Friday morning, doing all the work that usually takes 2 - 3 weeks to complete. Everything is set now... We've got his schedule, his new computer (paid for by WCB, thank you very much,) his account at the college bookstore is loaded with cash just waiting to be spent on school supplies, texts, and tools. Talk about a whirlwind. Please keep him in your prayers. I know that he's excited (he is actually EXPRESSING emotion right now, so you know he's feeling good,) but I think he's pretty nervous too. It's been about 15 years since he sat in a classroom.... I know I'd be nervous even though I'm SO much younger than he is and has been in a classroom MUCH more recently than he has :) Of course, I'm teasing.... I'm really happy for him. He's been wondering and worrying about how he's going to provide for his family in the future and now that's set. I know he's going to do well.... He's naturally gifted with computers and so IT should be a breeze for him. Still, I wish it were me headed back to school, but it's just not God's plan right now for me.... Maybe never, so I need to learn to be okay with that.... Contentment, people, my constant struggle. :)

Eli starts school on Tuesday. We headed in to meet his teacher this morning and Eli's pretty excited to get things going. Me? Not so much. I'm absolutely not ready for Eli to leave my nest yet, but rest assured.... I haven't expressed anything but excitement to him. I promise I won't cry until AFTER I drop him off that first day! He'll do great, I'm sure....
So what's going on with me? What am I hiding deep in my heart? Please.... I beg you.... Don't judge me because I'm going to practice some of that 'transparency' I've been talking about.First of all, and on a positive note, I've continued my sincere search for joy, but it`s so much more than that. God spoke to me, kind of with a hammer of scripture, that joy is a fruit of the spirit. In order for me to experience and portray a fruit of the spirit, I have to be anointed by the Spirit. That`s where the nitty gritty dropped on my lap. Sunday after Sunday, & one daily devotion after another, I heard and read about how God`s hand should be evident. I`m reading a book right now that I think everyone who is searching for a closer relationship with the Heavenly Father should read, ``Prodigal God`` by Timothy Keller. Oh, how I hate to admit short-comings, but here goes. I was living my life in a moralistic, legalistic manner. In some sub-conscious (or maybe at times, conscious) way, I`ve been obeying God`s commands with the thought that if I do, he`ll repay me with a good life. There have been many times in my life when I`ve had hard things happen to me, (being raped is just one example) and my response is anger. Why would I be angry with God because I`m going through something tough unless it was because I thought I deserved better.... I`m sick about how arrogant I`ve been. When I`ve been wronged, I`ve felt justified in feeling offended (you know, because I live such a spotless life and nothing I`ve ever done is as horrible as this :( As if!) and not only am I justified, but I also have every right to withhold forgiveness and remind said individual of the offense. Blah.... This is harder than you think. I`ve been kind & charitable in my past because 1. God will bless me for it, or 2. I can feel good about myself. I`ve been guilty of forgetting that my salvation is a GIFT from Christ and not something I can earn. And when I do something wrong, it stays with me forever because I`m never convinced that I`ve repented enough.
One definition from Timothy Keller`s book really struck me. The Gospel says that everyone is wrong, everyone is loved, & everyone is called to recognize this and change! I`ve learned a great deal about God and my relationship with Him. I`m struggling every day to remind myself that Christ died for me... And that`s all there is. I don`t need to work hard in order for him to love me, because He already does. I`ve learned that when I repent, I need to repent of my sins, yes, but also for the deeper reasons in my heart for doing good things too, (for example, because we can earn our way into heaven and therefore can be our own savior.) I've learned that Jesus wants me to give forgiveness and mercy readily, especially when it's unmerited. Remember.... If mercy is deserved, it's not mercy. I needed (& at times, still need,) for my heart to be transformed. I have a habit of seeing God as a boss.... One who demands obedience and good works. I need to be able to look at Him as my loving Dad. I need to learn to rest in the Father. I want to acknowledge my need (which is what I'm doing in front of all of you.... Humiliating myself,) rest by faith, & gaze in wonder and amazement at the work of my big bro... Jesus.
I've learned that as a daughter of my Dad in Heaven, Jesus is, in a way, my older brother. Not only did He give me unmerited mercy, but He also forgave me and boy,was it costly!

I sincerely hope I haven't offended anyone with my honesty. It's healing for me to write and I feel like a weight has been lifted because of it. Please, let me know if I've gone too far okay?

I've been listening to a song by Kari Jobe that has been amazing and really speaks to the relationship I want to have with my Savior.

'I wanna sit at Your feet

Drink from the cup in Your hand

Lean back against You and breathe

Feel Your heartbeat.

This love is so deep

It's more than I can stand.

I melt in Your peace

It's overwhelming!'

Have a listen for yourself:

A Desire to Change....

It's been an emotional week for me. I feel like I've been holding back a torrent of tears all week, choking them back as soon as they start to flow. There was a death this week that was close to my family. Colin Burritt passed away Monday of lymphoma and although I know his wife better than I knew Colin, it really hit me hard. I've been following their blog since Colin got sick a year ago and, along with people all across Canada, I got to see past what people usually show on the surface and right into their hearts.

This whole ordeal has really got me looking deeper at myself and my life. I'm learning a lot about who I am and God is laying bare so many rough edges that He needs to chisel away.

Melissa (Colin's wife) inspired me through her words and especially through her transparency. When Colin got sick, she clung to him, nursed him, loved him and spent her time figuring out the best ways to make him comfortable, even in his pain. I wonder. What would my reaction be if that was our family... If it were Trevor who was so sick? Anyone who truly knows and understands me will know that I am an extremely emotional person and if I trust you, I'm pretty transparent with you. But I also know that I tend to shut down, to push away from things that are hard. Would I cling to Trevor and spend my time making him happy, or would I distance myself from everything happening around me in order to protect myself? Let me tell you, the fact that I even question what my reaction would be makes me ashamed. Would I allow God to use our situation to witness to people or would I allow myself to fall into my old patterns and push people away?

I admire the way that Colin and Melissa clung to God and the way that their faith grew on what seemed like a daily basis. Do I desire to know God more every single day? Do I allow my faith to grow stagnant? Is my first reaction to problems (or to joy or to fear) to take it to God, or do I try to take care of it myself and as a last resort, toss it on God's lap?

I love the way that they were eternally optimistic. My pessimism is the thing I hate the most about myself. Instead of looking at everything in a positive light, I wait for the other shoe to drop. It isn't my way to look for joy. Melissa found joy even in the midst of Colin's celebration of life. She was able to smile through her tears and be so excited that Colin is with Jesus. Wow. I want to be joyful. God tells us to be joyful... I should be able to look at the simplest things in my life and feel joy. Maybe that's part of my problem.... A lack of simplicity in my life. My dad told me this weekend, "Beckie, the best place to make big decisions in life is in a cemetery." How true. As I stood on the outskirts of the crowd at Colin's burial, I was struck by how simple everything boils down to be. Colin lived his life with a contagious joy and a faith that affected everything he thought and felt. God wants us to love Him, to love people, and to have faith in His inherent goodness. Should be pretty simple, no?

When I'm dealing with other people, I always assume that they think negatively about me, no matter who they are or how well I know them (yes, this means I've probably thought this of you at some point.) This is the personality trait that Trev finds the most irritating of all, I'm sure. Poor Trev is constantly trying to convince me that people aren't as bad as I am convinced they are. I hate this about myself as well.... It's exhausting to always be second-guessing every word, every expression, every behavior around me.

So the real question here is, "Can I change?" I don't want to change on the surface. I want my personality to change almost in it's entirety... All the way down into the deepest parts of my heart. Where do I start? How do I make the change a permanent one? I know that the first step is to give it to God... Like I said earlier, my typical behavior would be to try to change by myself first and then, when that didn't work, give it to God. That's not what I want. I KNOW that God is the only one who can change my heart.

I guess my problem is that I'm a very list-oriented person.... I want someone to give me the steps to change.... Like a recipe. A recipe, I can understand. If you add this, this and this and mix it well into a heart that's been pre-heated, the result will be a spirit and personality that God might be happy with. The thing I desire most in my life is that God will look at me on the day that I join Him and say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Servant.... Faithful.... Good.... None of those words really describe me... And I'm ashamed of it.

What would people say about me if they were attending my funeral? **This is a rhetoric question.... I'm not asking for feedback... I don't want to know!!** Would people look back at my life and see a woman who wanted to honor God more that anything else in her life? Would people see a woman who took missions seriously, whether I'm ministering to my kids or to my neighbors, co-workers, etc? Or would they say that I was bitter? Afraid? Paranoid? Self-absorbed? Etc Etc Etc....

I'm 30 years old (well, not quite, but almost) and I'm just starting to see who I am? Self-awareness and the desire to be a better person.... Shouldn't I have conquered that about 8 years ago?

Please pray for me. Pray that I will feel passionately about this change long term. Pray that God will begin a good work in me, because I know He'll be faithful to complete it. Pray that I will be able to do the hard things... To change my patterns, to change my reactions, to change my heart way down deep.

Missy, if you're reading this, I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are such an inspiration. I love you.

News

Since it's been such a long time, I'll bring you up to date on what I can think of.... I'm probably going to be leaving a bunch of stuff out, but what can you do, right?

First, it looks like Trev's going to be starting school in September! Yay! God is so good..... He'll be starting a 2-year IT program right here in Medicine Hat and WCB will be paying for his tuition, books, a new computer, as well as the wage he would have been making! Now, keep in mind that the big bosses at WCB still have to approve this, but his case worker, Nancy, ran the numbers preliminarily... If they were to expect Trev to go back to work right now at whatever job he could get, it would cost WCB $250,000 more than if they sent him back to school.... Sounds wonky right? WCB will have to make up the difference in Trevor's pay for the rest of his life, so if he's making $11/hour somewhere, it's up to WCB to pay him the remaining $15/hour so that we're not taking a pay cut after his injury. Anyway, long story short, it's looking good. I told one of my old friends about it yesterday and I said, "Frankly, this neck injury is a blessing." And he told me, "Um, yeah. Maybe in a grotesquely morbid way." Don't misunderstand me.... I don't love the fact that Trevor is in so much pain, obviously. But I am reminded of Jeremiah 29:11... "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Amen!

I took Eli to CAPE school to accompany them on a field trip a few weeks ago and it went great! Eli showed no anxiety whatsoever and really enjoyed himself. We went to the Esplanade, which is our local cultural center and performing arts building, to look at a couple of art exhibits. He listened very well, obeyed the teacher and actually held her hand so that she could show him where to go. One of the exhibits was by an Edmonton artist and it was entitled, "Nocturne." When the guide asked the students if they knew what the word, "nocturnal" meant, not one student from the group (Kindergarten to Grade 3) knew, so Eli put up his hand and told them the answer! I was so proud of him! He is very excited to go back in September; actually, he begged to go back the next day! Praise the Lord! He told my friend, Kirsty, that the teacher was very nice and she didn't hurt him at all.... Do you remember what happened last summer in VBS? A teacher grabbed Eli and drug him across the carpet and left a nasty rug burn on his chest. Well, it seems that the reason he didn't want to go to school was because he thought all teachers would hurt him! Poor baby.... I'd have anxiety too!

After about one year away from church, we've started attending at The Link again. We've been back 5 or 6 Sundays now and we're really amazed at how it's been going. I spent a great deal of time soul-searching and talking to God about the reasons that we left the church to begin with and what I felt God was telling me was that, if at all possible, I should mend those broken relationships and forgive. I also was convicted by God.... Perhaps my own insecurities caused my point of view to be skewed; my assumption being that people meant to hurt me because I was so unlovable. Anyway, we've been welcomed back with open arms. A large number of people have gone out of their way to tell us that we'd been missed and that they are so glad we've chosen to return. Elias is doing VERY well in his Sunday school class and is soaking up information about Jesus and old testament stories. He told me all about Samuel's birth and how Eli was a prophet who taught Samuel... He was quite excited that Samuel and Eli were together in the Bible, just like in our house! Samuel is struggling to get used to being left in a class and has only made it through one Sunday. We'll just have to keep trying!

A couple of funny/amazing things from our kids recently:

Samuel is the most faithful individual in our family in remembering to pray for our Sponsor Child, Exan, from Indonesia.

Elias pointed to a picture of George W. Bush this morning and told Trevor that he was the president of the United States.... Granted, he's not anymore, but still impressive, no?

Sam is our little artist, constantly coloring and drawing pictures. He's really quite good! Eli had no interest whatsoever (and still doesn't) in anything to do with art, so it's neat to see that Sam is really his own person with his own likes!

The kids are both thriving here because of the easy access to the backyard. They both spend most of the day outside! I doubt any of us will be inside much this summer.

The home reno's are finished for now. We've finished everything in the main living areas of the house, including the baseboards. The next step will be bedrooms. Sam has chosen blue and green as the theme for his room and Eli has asked for green and purple spots. I think it's just as exciting for me as it is for them to be able to paint their rooms the way they want them to be! That was the thing I hated the most about renting a home.... We were told which colors to paint and if we chose another color, it fell to us to repaint it.

Anyway, I can't think of anything else to say.... A few slideshows....

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And our newest family pictures.... Which ones should we blow up? I'd love your input!

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Some slideshows of our lives the past several months....

Visiting Grandma Bartell

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Lunch at Heidi's on our way home from Red Deer

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Mom & Dad came for a whirlwind visit in March.... Since I only have a few pics, I'll just post them..

Some spring photos....

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A visit to Grandma & Grandpa Muirhead's house

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Visit from the Werdals....

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And finally a pic of my newest tattoo....

A quick note about Trev's back....

Trevor had an appointment with his neurologist today and we got the exciting news that we are definitely not dealing with cancerous tumors! Praise the Lord! The reason Trev's had increasing pain in his lower back is because he has quite severe arthritis in the lumbar discs and the joints are in bad shape. Dr. Salih is going to perform a procedure that should help short term with this and if it does help, there is a secondary procedure that will work for a longer period of time. Obviously, arthritis doesn't heal, so Trev will be dealing with this condition (which will steadily get worse over time) for the rest of his life. The doctor told him that his spine looks like that of a 60-year-old that has been very hard on his body. Bummer.

Also, Dr. Salih told Trevor that he will never again drive truck and he'll be sending a letter to WCB to inform them that he will require re-training. Lafarge may choose to re-train him in an office position, but this seems quite unlikely. When Trevor asked his boss a few months back about the possibility of re-training, his boss told him that he would have to move, that there would be no position available in Medicine Hat. If Lafarge refuses to re-train him, WCB will help Trevor choose a suitable career and will pay for him to be trained.

And so, a couple of prayer requests.... First and foremost, that God would provide all the pain-control that Trevor needs. I'm a little worried that he will have a hard time with dependency, so please pray that God allows us to avoid that. Also, please pray that Trevor will be re-trained in a field that will not cause more damage to his spine and that he will be content with for the rest of his working days. Thanks for praying so faithfully that Trev wouldn't have cancer. This is a huge weight off our shoulders!

The month of December.....

Well, since I last updated you, Trev has fallen (while at work) and has been off work for weeks again. We've made a whirlwind trip to Calgary to celebrate Christmas with my family and we've quietly celebrated Christmas and New Years here at home.

To expand.... About a week after Trevor originally went back to work, his boss (or more accurately, his safety officer out of Vancouver) decided that it was ridiculous of his doctor to say that he needed to be doing strictly office work and they put him to work in the shop fixing parts. Not two hours after he called me to inform me of his changed duties, Trevor slipped on the ice walking from the shop to the office! Idiots. I had to rush out to pick him up.... He'd spent almost an hour lying on the floor in excruciating pain. When we called the doctor, he demanded that Trevor come immediately to the office for an assessment and decided that, while he didn't seem to have damaged his neck any further, he needed to be at home for another 2 weeks. I think Dr. Saujani was pretty angry and a big part of this decision was to punish the company for going against doctor's orders. WCB was also very angry and have not argued that he should be at home. When Trev went to the doctor on Wednesday of this week, he was told that he would be off work until at least January the 8th, after he sees his neurologist. On a positive note, Trev received the radiologist report from his MRI on the tumors in his spine and they appear to be stable. We're still waiting to really celebrate until after the neurologist reads the MRI himself.... The radiologist in town is notoriously stupid.

Trev's been thinking a lot about major life changes.... maybe taking employment insurance in order to re-train in a different field. This is weighing heavy on his mind and we'd sure appreciate your prayers that God would lead us quickly and in a way that we know exactly what we should do. Another option is that Trevor stay home with the boys while I head to school for my degree.... Really not sure what to do!

As I mentioned, we took a quick trip up to my brother's house for Christmas on the 18th. We had a blast, but really missed my oldest sister and her family. My high-light had to be the lively game of spoons.... LOVE that game. It's so violent and it's always been a part of our family celebrations! It gets a little noisy though and we did wake up some kidlets :) We also had a surprise visit from my old band teacher and his wife.... I guess they've always been more than teachers to me. Mentors, employers, friends. Mike and Jennifer really share my love for music and I look up to them a lot. We had a wonderful time catching up with them. Haven't seen them in a few years. I also realized during this visit how much my nieces and nephews are growing and changing. I feel like I'm missing out!

This year was the first Christmas that my parents weren't with us for. Even in the past when we've celebrated the Bartell Christmas on a different weekend, we've always had Mom & Dad around. They headed to Denver for Christmas this year, which was absolutely the right thing to do (I don't know how my sister does it so far from family. I'd go nuts!) but we really missed them. Trevor bought an 11 pound turkey for me to cook.... 11 pounds for the four of us! After we ate, I almost wanted to cry looking at all the extra food on my table. I know, I know. We eat it for days afterwards, but I was very aware of the number of people who go without, especially around Christmas. This winter has been very cold and there are people with no place to go. Sad. I wished for the first time that we lived in a larger center where we could take plates of food to homeless people.... Out on Whyte Ave in Edmonton, for example. Anyway, I froze a bunch of turkey and will make soup at some point. We really did enjoy playing with the kids, letting them stay up late(r) etc.

New Years was equally quiet in our house. Less than a decade ago, I would have been out until 2 or 3 in the morning celebrating. I can't tell you how happy I am that my life is calm and quiet now. Eli woke up at the stroke of midnight, came to our room to scold us for still be awake, and then teetered his way back down the hallway, drunk with exhaustion. This kid is hilarious when he's half asleep.

Anyway.... photos.

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