Gut-check time.... How willing am I to lay it all out in the open for you? Can I really trust you? You won't judge me, will you?
So, I've been seeing someone for a little while to help me figure out some deep-seeded stuff... A counselor... I'm not going to go into details today regarding what led me to decide to see her, but if you know me, you know that I've been through some stuff... Rape. Really awful boyfriends. Etc. Etc. Etc. Anyway, this week self-esteem came up. I gotta tell you, I've always kind of thought that 'self-esteem' is a worldly thing, that when you tear it all apart, I'm actually a horrible person, a sinner... I've always thought the self-esteem was the same as pride. I knew all along that this topic would come up at some point, and I've also always known that according to the definition of self-esteem, it's pretty obvious that I don't have a whole lot. Kallie (my counselor) likes to call me her 'lawyer' because I don't simply argue. I come up with a LONG (I'm talking ridiculous) list of evidence to support my point of view... And true to form, I've done exactly that when it comes to self-esteem. The trouble is, as Kallie sees it, is that people can find evidence to support any point of view and I've chosen to focus on every single negative bit of proof that I've ever encountered. I use my Christian knowledge to 'prove' (in a very misguided way) that I'm a bad person. I use my history with mean men and their opinions of me to 'prove' that I'm stupid, worthless, ugly, etc. I use my (mistaken) view of my sister's relationship with each other as proof that I don't fit in. I look at all of the horrible choices I made as a teenager and young adult and all I see is evidence of why God shouldn't care one wink about me.
I decided to step out today and ask a wonderful Christian woman about her views on self-esteem. She listened patiently while I described how I feel about it and then she set about challenging me. The fact is that humans are sinful. We make mistakes, both by accident and maliciously. HOWEVER, the JOY of loving Christ is that we are no longer just sinners... We're covered. We're saved by grace.... In other words, we don't deserve to be forgiven, but we are. It's a gift. She said that God doesn't look at me and see all my failures. He doesn't look at me with disgust. He doesn't roll His eyes at me because I'm such a screw up. God looks at me in love. I delight Him. My view of self-esteem, she thought, might be a little legalistic. Rather than really accepting His gifts (love, acceptance, forgiveness, etc) I've decided that I'm SO undeserving that I simply won't believe that it's being offered to me at all. Her challenge to me was to head into the Word and find out what the Bible says I am to God. Focus on that. Meditate on it. Dissect it.
I googled "Who am I to God?" this afternoon and came up with quite a list of descriptions and Bible references. I quickly scanned them, trying to tell myself that I match these descriptions, but rather than having my heart accept them, they were just words to me. Since I was raised in a Christian home, I've grown up with the 'Christian lingo'.... 'Saved by grace,' 'Child of God,' 'New creation.' All of these phrases have such magnificent meanings attached to them, but I'm suffering from a 'disconnect of heart.' I could probably provide you with fantastic wordy definitions and make you believe that I really get it. I'd be fooling you... As I type this, I'm reminded of part of a Sunday School lesson that I was taught years and years ago: I remember seeing a train. At the front of the train was having a relationship with Christ, the next car was Bible knowledge, and the caboose was our feelings. I don't remember what the train was supposed to represent, but I remember that how I am feeling about my relationship with Christ at any given time is the least important part of our Christian walk... In other words, I can't expect to feel all lovey-dovey and on fire all the time, but what matters is that I've made a choice to have a relationship with Christ. The trouble is that I've fooled myself into believing that 1. not having a deep understanding of what those phrases actually mean and 2. not necessarily admitting in my heart of hearts that He died for ME would fit directly into said caboose.
So in an effort to really understand in my heart, rather than just in my head, who I am to God, I'm going to dig in and dissect a few of those definitions with you.... One at a time.
The very first thing that came to my mind when I asked myself who I am to God was that I am a child of the King. I am His daughter and He is my Father. What does a Dad do? How does a Dad feel about his kids? How does a Dad feel when his kids make mistakes? When they ask for help?
I only have experience with one earthly father and he's fantastic. I've been blessed with amazing parents.... My parents, when lined up with every other parent on the planet, would stand out as the top of the pile to me. I know that some people have not been blessed like I have. I know that some people look at their parents, and their fathers specifically, and think, "I've got one Dad and that's bad enough, thank you.... You can keep this 'heavenly father' to yourself." First of all, just in case I've got a reader who fits into this category, I want to tell you that God had a very specific plan regarding parenting in mind when we were created and abuse was NOT a part of that plan...
Let me answer these Dad questions with answers about my own Dad...
A Dad is someone who time and time again carries you to bed, even though he knows that you're not really sleeping. God does that... Everyone's heard the poem, "Footprints," and since it's so overused I wonder if it's lost some of it's meaning. The fact is that He does carry His kids. Read back in my blog and you'll see time and time again how God's carried me.
A Dad is someone who will let you sit on his knee after a long day of work to hear how your day went. God does that... He craves time with His kids. He loves the idea of picking up His child and cradling them in His lap. This is a very powerful image to me.... I've been feeling the need to crawl into God's lap and just be there with Him.
A Dad will listen to the fears, the dreams, the ideas of his kids... and he will guide them. I remember very clearly one Sunday when I was in 11th grade. It was spring and I decided to go for a walk. To my delight, my Dad asked if he could come with me. We walked and talked for a mile or more. I told him about what I thought I would do after I graduated. My Dad told me what he saw in me that God would want me to use. We talked about the opportunities that I'd been offered to use those gifts and how I could turn all of it into a career I'd love. God does this in a very real way. We call it prayer. Often prayer gets written off as a list of thank you's, apologies, and wants. I really don't think that's accurate. Prayer needs to be more conversational and less of a monologue. I'm just starting to figure this out. I'm reading, "Walking with God," by John Eldridge and it's fantastic (Side-note: My Dad told me to read that book ;) )
A Dad wants his child to grow up to be someone who is mature and so a Dad will discipline his child. Not punish, mind you. Discipline. Discipline is done so that a child will learn how to behave in a more appropriate manner, while punishment is often done in anger and out of revenge. I don't have a single memory of my parents 'punishing' me... When I did something that warranted discipline, I would be sent to my room first. This gave me the opportunity to think about what I did, but I think it also gave my parents a chance to calmly decide on a course of action so that anger wasn't a part of it at all.  I don't know how my parents felt when I made mistakes, but as a Mom, I know that the first thing that I feel is sad. It makes me sad when Eli lies. It saddens me when Sam hits. I feel anger sometimes, yes, but I genuinely wish with everything in me that my kids would have made a better choice. I HATE disciplining my kids... I look into their eyes and they flash me this puppy look and suddenly I can hardly stand the idea of disciplining them. BUT I do it because I love them too much to let them make mistakes over and over again with no comprehension of consequences. I could shelter them now like a Momma Robin covering her chicks and make sure that not one single drop of rain touches their tiny little heads, but eventually the big bad world is going to get at them. God disciplines His kids too. God allows us to deal with the consequences of our sin. God's discipline is not about cold-hearted punishment. Rather it's about a deep desire for us to be holy. It's about training and teaching us to be better and to glorify Him.
John 1:12 - But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God.