Gut-check time.... How willing am I to lay it all out in the open for you? Can I really trust you? You won't judge me, will you?
So, I've been seeing someone for a little while to help me figure out some deep-seeded stuff... A counselor... I'm not going to go into details today regarding what led me to decide to see her, but if you know me, you know that I've been through some stuff... Rape. Really awful boyfriends. Etc. Etc. Etc. Anyway, this week self-esteem came up. I gotta tell you, I've always kind of thought that 'self-esteem' is a worldly thing, that when you tear it all apart, I'm actually a horrible person, a sinner... I've always thought the self-esteem was the same as pride. I knew all along that this topic would come up at some point, and I've also always known that according to the definition of self-esteem, it's pretty obvious that I don't have a whole lot. Kallie (my counselor) likes to call me her 'lawyer' because I don't simply argue. I come up with a LONG (I'm talking ridiculous) list of evidence to support my point of view... And true to form, I've done exactly that when it comes to self-esteem. The trouble is, as Kallie sees it, is that people can find evidence to support any point of view and I've chosen to focus on every single negative bit of proof that I've ever encountered. I use my Christian knowledge to 'prove' (in a very misguided way) that I'm a bad person. I use my history with mean men and their opinions of me to 'prove' that I'm stupid, worthless, ugly, etc. I use my (mistaken) view of my sister's relationship with each other as proof that I don't fit in. I look at all of the horrible choices I made as a teenager and young adult and all I see is evidence of why God shouldn't care one wink about me.
I decided to step out today and ask a wonderful Christian woman about her views on self-esteem. She listened patiently while I described how I feel about it and then she set about challenging me. The fact is that humans are sinful. We make mistakes, both by accident and maliciously. HOWEVER, the JOY of loving Christ is that we are no longer just sinners... We're covered. We're saved by grace.... In other words, we don't deserve to be forgiven, but we are. It's a gift. She said that God doesn't look at me and see all my failures. He doesn't look at me with disgust. He doesn't roll His eyes at me because I'm such a screw up. God looks at me in love. I delight Him. My view of self-esteem, she thought, might be a little legalistic. Rather than really accepting His gifts (love, acceptance, forgiveness, etc) I've decided that I'm SO undeserving that I simply won't believe that it's being offered to me at all. Her challenge to me was to head into the Word and find out what the Bible says I am to God. Focus on that. Meditate on it. Dissect it.
I googled "Who am I to God?" this afternoon and came up with quite a list of descriptions and Bible references. I quickly scanned them, trying to tell myself that I match these descriptions, but rather than having my heart accept them, they were just words to me. Since I was raised in a Christian home, I've grown up with the 'Christian lingo'.... 'Saved by grace,' 'Child of God,' 'New creation.' All of these phrases have such magnificent meanings attached to them, but I'm suffering from a 'disconnect of heart.' I could probably provide you with fantastic wordy definitions and make you believe that I really get it. I'd be fooling you... As I type this, I'm reminded of part of a Sunday School lesson that I was taught years and years ago: I remember seeing a train. At the front of the train was having a relationship with Christ, the next car was Bible knowledge, and the caboose was our feelings. I don't remember what the train was supposed to represent, but I remember that how I am feeling about my relationship with Christ at any given time is the least important part of our Christian walk... In other words, I can't expect to feel all lovey-dovey and on fire all the time, but what matters is that I've made a choice to have a relationship with Christ. The trouble is that I've fooled myself into believing that 1. not having a deep understanding of what those phrases actually mean and 2. not necessarily admitting in my heart of hearts that He died for ME would fit directly into said caboose.
So in an effort to really understand in my heart, rather than just in my head, who I am to God, I'm going to dig in and dissect a few of those definitions with you.... One at a time.
The very first thing that came to my mind when I asked myself who I am to God was that I am a child of the King. I am His daughter and He is my Father. What does a Dad do? How does a Dad feel about his kids? How does a Dad feel when his kids make mistakes? When they ask for help?
I only have experience with one earthly father and he's fantastic. I've been blessed with amazing parents.... My parents, when lined up with every other parent on the planet, would stand out as the top of the pile to me. I know that some people have not been blessed like I have. I know that some people look at their parents, and their fathers specifically, and think, "I've got one Dad and that's bad enough, thank you.... You can keep this 'heavenly father' to yourself." First of all, just in case I've got a reader who fits into this category, I want to tell you that God had a very specific plan regarding parenting in mind when we were created and abuse was NOT a part of that plan...
Let me answer these Dad questions with answers about my own Dad...
A Dad is someone who time and time again carries you to bed, even though he knows that you're not really sleeping. God does that... Everyone's heard the poem, "Footprints," and since it's so overused I wonder if it's lost some of it's meaning. The fact is that He does carry His kids. Read back in my blog and you'll see time and time again how God's carried me.
A Dad is someone who will let you sit on his knee after a long day of work to hear how your day went. God does that... He craves time with His kids. He loves the idea of picking up His child and cradling them in His lap. This is a very powerful image to me.... I've been feeling the need to crawl into God's lap and just be there with Him.
A Dad will listen to the fears, the dreams, the ideas of his kids... and he will guide them. I remember very clearly one Sunday when I was in 11th grade. It was spring and I decided to go for a walk. To my delight, my Dad asked if he could come with me. We walked and talked for a mile or more. I told him about what I thought I would do after I graduated. My Dad told me what he saw in me that God would want me to use. We talked about the opportunities that I'd been offered to use those gifts and how I could turn all of it into a career I'd love. God does this in a very real way. We call it prayer. Often prayer gets written off as a list of thank you's, apologies, and wants. I really don't think that's accurate. Prayer needs to be more conversational and less of a monologue. I'm just starting to figure this out. I'm reading, "Walking with God," by John Eldridge and it's fantastic (Side-note: My Dad told me to read that book ;) )
A Dad wants his child to grow up to be someone who is mature and so a Dad will discipline his child. Not punish, mind you. Discipline. Discipline is done so that a child will learn how to behave in a more appropriate manner, while punishment is often done in anger and out of revenge. I don't have a single memory of my parents 'punishing' me... When I did something that warranted discipline, I would be sent to my room first. This gave me the opportunity to think about what I did, but I think it also gave my parents a chance to calmly decide on a course of action so that anger wasn't a part of it at all.  I don't know how my parents felt when I made mistakes, but as a Mom, I know that the first thing that I feel is sad. It makes me sad when Eli lies. It saddens me when Sam hits. I feel anger sometimes, yes, but I genuinely wish with everything in me that my kids would have made a better choice. I HATE disciplining my kids... I look into their eyes and they flash me this puppy look and suddenly I can hardly stand the idea of disciplining them. BUT I do it because I love them too much to let them make mistakes over and over again with no comprehension of consequences. I could shelter them now like a Momma Robin covering her chicks and make sure that not one single drop of rain touches their tiny little heads, but eventually the big bad world is going to get at them. God disciplines His kids too. God allows us to deal with the consequences of our sin. God's discipline is not about cold-hearted punishment. Rather it's about a deep desire for us to be holy. It's about training and teaching us to be better and to glorify Him.
John 1:12 - But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God.

He is too good to me!

Got the results.... Drum roll please.
NO MS!!! The MRI showed 2 discs in my neck bulging and that's what has caused all my headaches and the numbness in my fingers. The rest of my symptoms are easily explained by tachycardia. Never in my life did I think I'd be praising the Lord for a heart problem, but this last few months have put things into perspective... Not that I think heart problems are no big deal, but when you put MS up next to tachycardia, it looks so much better!
Anyway, thanks for praying for me. I'll let you know next week what the doc says about the heart monitor results.

Big Week....

So, I've got a lot on my mind this week. I think I've convinced myself that there's actually nothing wrong (even though my body denies it,) but I'm feeling the pressure today.
It's hard to believe that we've been waiting for 3 months for the MRI I'm having today. Since I've waited that long for this test, it's been hard not to live my days pretending that my headaches are normal, that everyone goes blind every so often, that fainting is no biggie, etc etc etc. I guess the problem today is that, as much as I'd like to continue this denial, today I'm faced with the stark realities of what's happening....
I'm feeling pretty certain that my problems are actually stemming from the tachycardia rather than MS... Is it just because I am hoping so hard that this is the case because heart problems are easier to deal with that MS, or am I 'tuned in' to what's happening in my body?
I'm not feeling a whole lot of peace today, so there's only one answer... I'm going to choose to soak myself in God's promises this morning... And I'm taking you along for the ride!
Isaiah 38:16-17 -  You restored me to health and let me live. Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In you love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back. I know that God is allowing me to experience what I am experiencing because it's going to be good for me...
Isaiah 40:31 -  But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; the will run and not grow weary, the will walk and not be faint. Yup, I'm feeling weary, but if I simply lay back in my Savior's arms, He'll give me more strength than I've ever needed!
Lamentations 3:22-24 - Because of the Lord's great love we we are not consumed for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him." He's trustworthy. He's compassionate.  He's merciful. He loves me. He's more than enough.
Jonah 1:2, 6, 7 - In my distress I called to the Lord, and He answered me. From the depths of the grave I called for help and you listened to my cry... But you brought my life up from the pit, O Lord my God. When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, Lord. He has picked me up out of much deeper pits in my life.... When I was younger and living my life to satisfy my own desires, He reached down and lifted me up... He heard me crying out and He forgave me!
Phillipians 4:4, 6-7, 12-13 -  Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!... Do NOT be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving [Be thankful because He's already answered your prayer and because of His infinite wisdom,] present your requests to God. And the PEACE of God, which transcends all  understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. [Whether healthy or sick.] I can do EVERYTHING through Him who gives me strength.
James 4:15: And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well, the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.
1 Peter 5:7 -  Cast all your cares on Him because He cares for you.
1 John 3:1 - How great is the love the Father has for us, that we should be called children of God!
1 John 4:18 - Perfect love casts out fear.
Funny.... I read these verses and God's already fulfilled His promises for me.... My heart is overflowing with thankfulness and peace. He puts things into perspective... By choosing to turn my eyes on Jesus, He's chased away my fears. How can I be nervous/anxious and say that I love/trust God at the same time?
Preach-y entry? That's okay. I made a promise to you months back that I would be open and honest while I write.... This is me, believe it or not, simply expressing what's in my heart, moment by moment.
Thanks for praying for me, readers. Bless you!

Call it good?

My devotion hit me so hard this morning, I just had to share it with you.

Psalm 13:

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord

for he has been good to me.

Can we really know whether to label life's circumstances as good or bad?

For instance, your car breaks down right before you are to take a family road trip. But when you take the car to the shop, the mechanic says, "Good thing you didn't take this out on the road. It could have caught fire." Is that bad because of the inconvenience, or good because of God's protection?

Or perhaps your child decides to pursue interests that aren't all that interesting to you. You wanted her to play basketball and run track in high school. But she wanted to sing and play the oboe. You feel frustrated, but she excels and ends up with a music scholarship. Is that bad because your dreams weren't fulfilled, or good because God directed her in ways you could not have predicted?

Sometimes it's hard to see how God is working. His mysteries don't always reveal their secrets to us, and our journey is often redirected by uncontrollable detours. Perhaps God is showing us a better route.

To make sure we benefit from what might seem bad, we must recognize and trust God's "unfailing love" (Ps. 13:5.) In the end, we'll be able to say, "I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me" (Ps. 13:6.)

-Dave Branon, Our Daily Bread

As you know, I've been struggling with my health lately. Most of the time, I choose to trust, but to be honest, I've questioned God. Why do I have to experience this.... Haven't I been through more than my share in my life? Talk about self-pitying and self-absorbed behavior!

I had an appointment with my doctor on Wednesday. I've been struggling with a racing heart and I thought he should know, just in case it changed what he thought might be wrong with me. My heart rate ranges from 90 beats per minute while I'm relaxed and not experiencing the racing sensation, to 160 bpm at rest. When my doctor took my pulse in the office it was 90 bpm and he said that's too high. When I told him how high my pulse goes, he was definitely concerned. He's scheduled me to wear a Holter Monitor (a portable EKG) for 48 hours. The sooner they catch the tachycardia (fast heart) on a strip, the sooner they can treat me for it. Dr. S told me that many of the symptoms that they've associated with MS could be explained by Supraventricular Tachycardia.

A few months ago, I would have labeled heart trouble as a bad situation. I mean, I'm 30! I'm not supposed to think about heart health for years yet! Now I look at SVT as a blessing. Odd, isn't it? I struggled to trust God when I was told that I might have MS. I didn't understand and I DEFINITELY labeled that situation as negative, but God knows exactly what He's up to. He's got my back. He's going to work all things for my good because I love Him (Romans 8:28)

Look at my husband Trevor's past year. He was seriously injured at work in November of 2009. His neck was permanently damaged and I'm pretty sure most people would label that as bad. But look at him now.... He's being put through school by WCB, being trained for a job that will be much easier on his body and will allow him a lot of room to advance. He'll be better equipped to provide for his family and we'll most likely have more financial security than we ever thought we'd have. God is using Trevor's injury for his good because Trevor loves God....

So I want to challenge you. When you're experiencing something that you might naturally label as bad, stop and ask yourself... Is God allowing me to experience this because He's directing me or protecting me? Or is God simply allowing me to live through this agony because He doesn't care? God makes a lot of promises in His Word. He won't give us more than we can handle. He'll use all things for the good of those who love Him. He's promised us salvation through His Son, Jesus. He's promised that Jesus will return and that when He does, we'll have no weeping, no sorrow, no pain, no illness. He's promised us compassion and answered prayers. And above all, He's promised us unconditional, unending love.

Amen!

A little prayer request...

So I promised in my last post that I'd explain about the drama that occupies my mind. I really wrestled with whether or not to share what's happened because the drama hasn't finished unfolding yet, but I'm having a tough time and I feel like I need to share/write my feelings and thoughts or I'll go nuts.

I went to the doctor a few weeks back, mostly because Trevor finally wore me down. I'd had a blinding (literally... I go blind in my left eye when it's bad) headache for weeks, had been fainting & near-fainting several times/day, and that morning I had lost feeling in one of my fingertips. That last symptom is what pushed me over the edge... I'd always been a fainter, but when you add in all of the above, my lack of balance and my tremor it's cause for concern.

Honestly, I thought Parkinsons. It runs in my family and it's the only disease I could think of that might fit my symptoms. I wasn't prepared...

Multiple Sclerosis.

I was and am devastated by this possibility. For the first week, I felt peace, but since then peace has been fleeting. I'm more aware of things that I had simply gotten used to and there are symptoms that have gotten markedly worse. While I haven't fainted in more than a week (praise God,) there are times when my head feels like it will explode and times when my tremor is so prevalent that it stops me from doing things I have to do.... For example, cutting an onion for supper will take me 10 minutes. I can hear the tremor in my voice, so I won't sing anymore... I can't hang a picture on the wall, or type without making many mistakes. I'm embarrassed by all of this...

I should clarify.... I have some good days and I have some bad days. On good days, I feel almost normal, but on bad ones? Ugh.

I've had a CT, blood work, and EKG and all have come back normal. Awesome news in that I know I don't have a tumor and I know that I don't have leukemia. I'm waiting for a MRI & a spinal tap.

My doctor really hasn't suggested anything else.

There are moments when I'm overwhelmed and need to cry. There are moments when I'm mad. There are moments when I'm totally fine with whatever God is doing. But I KNOW I have to 'praise Him in the good times AND praise Him in the bad times.'

Pray for me if you're a pray-er.... That first and foremost I won't have MS or any other serious disease... That my symptoms will disappear or at least not get any worse.... That I will feel peace and that Trev will continue to feel peace about this.... That I can maintain some semblance of normalcy for the kids so they aren't worrying... And that I will choose to trust!

Surprise Holiday

It's been quite a while since I've been home and I still haven't gotten around to posting more details about my surprise birthday trip to the mountains! It's been a crazy week here (Next post I'll explain!)
Since so much happened, I'm going to do a day-by-day description.
Thursday:
My cousin Heidi and her family surprised me by showing up at my door! The funny thing was that Sam looked out the window just before they arrived and said, "Heidi's not here yet, Dad!" Trev somehow fluffed his way out of that one, but not twenty minutes later, Heidi appeared at my door! I cried! We sat and visited and then Heidi & I went for a drive/shopping trip on our own. It was so good to be able to visit with her, to be totally candid! We picked up pizza on the way home and not long after we ate, I got a call from my dear friend Kirsty, begging me to bring the kids over to play. I told her I had surprise company and wasn't sure how long they'd be able to stay, but Kirsty said to bring her along.... Odd, I thought... Heidi agreed immediately to go for a visit, stating she'd wanted to meet Kirsty for a long time.... Odder, I thought. We walked into Kirsty's house and I wandered into the living room (I tend to make myself at home over there) to discover another dear one, Melissa! I kind of missed the point up till now.... I didn't really realize that this was to be a party, I just assumed that Melissa and Tim had popped by, until Melissa whispered to me mid-hug that they were there for me! I sat down and began to relax (or at least tried to, talk about a day of surprises!) I'd 'relaxed' for maybe 10 minutes when I heard whispering in the front entry. Before I had a chance to ask Kirsty what's up, my Mom & my big sister Christi turned the corner. I couldn't believe it! I had asked Christi what she was up to that coming weekend and she didn't lie, but... LOL! Mom had been telling me that I needed to tell Trevor to let me go to Edmonton and that if he didn't feel up to it (he'd had minor surgery the day before) I should leave him behind and come anyway! I settle in again and start visiting with my vast array of darlings and my sister, Sheri walks in! Surprise after surprise! It was exciting and exhausting at the same time! My sister presents me with a card...
After the party breaks up, Ben & Heidi jump in their van for the 4 - 5 hour drive home.... They made the drive for just a few hours of visiting! Thank you Werdals! It meant the world to me!
We (meaning my sisters, my mom, my hubby, my kids & I) head home and I start packing. I don't think I got more than a few hours of sleep that night... SO EXCITED!

Friday:

I woke up and was ready to go before anyone else was! I honestly thought I'd be upset about leaving my kids and Trev (and so did everyone else) but it was no problem. We jumped in Mom's CRV and off we went. We made the drive to Canmore in really good time and stopped for lunch at a little bistro downtown. We headed to the hotel after eating so that we could check in and so I could dig out my camera. I wasn't willing to do very much without my camera. The hotel suite was beautiful!

I wish you could have seen/experienced the wonder I felt when I saw those mountains. I was raised in Sundre, AB, so I had a good view of the mountains from the kitchen window of my childhood home. My grandparents lived in B.C. and in order to get there, we'd drive right through the center of them! Mountains were not a new concept for me. But it's been more than 7 years since I've seen them and I honestly felt like a 'mountain virgin'....

Anyway, back to the fun. We wandered and window-shopped and shopped the afternoon away and it was time to eat. I was hungry but no one could settle on a place to eat... Sheri had us wandering down Main Street one direction and then we had to turn around and go back the other way! We stepped into a beautiful furniture shop to warm up and Christi disappeared, saying she was just going to pop into the washroom. You have to understand, I'm not pleasant when I'm hungry.... Even when I'm having the time of my life! Christi FINALLY emerges and we head back outside to find a suitable restaurant. Wandering, wandering... And I hear my name being shouted from somewhere behind me! Up walks my younger brother Mark and my sis-in-law, Danielle! My sisters and mom were stalling until Mark & Danielle could catch up with us. We all walked together (to the other side of town, go figure) to The Quarry, a bar/grill type establishment. Sidenote: If you visit The Quarry, stay away from the ribs and the chicken! All 6 of us headed back to our hotel to visit for a while before turning in... So nice to see Mark & Danielle by the way... They're about to have Baby Gracie & happened to be on a final adult get-away in Banff at the same time

Saturday:

We decided pretty much as soon as we were up to get ready and get on the road... Okay, I decided that's what we were going to do!We jumped in the car and headed on the highway towards Banff. We exhibited our adventurous side by deciding on a whim to drive out to Lake Louise (after getting our Starbucks fix in Banff of course!) I've never been to Lake Louise and it took my breath away! We walked outside as long as we could and then headed in to tour the hotel so we could warm up. What an ostentatious and ornate place! We sat for a few minutes (they visited, I stared outside like a tourist) and then we went back out to walk. We made it back to Banff in time for a late lunch and some afternoon shopping.

Supper on Saturday was a hilarious gong show. We stopped at a Boston Pizza when we got to Canmore and placed a delivery order for 7... At 8, it finally showed up wrong and ice cold! To be fair though, the delivery driver was obviously embarrassed and sorry for the mistakes. He went to bat for us, getting us new pizza, dessert, & $15 cash back. We spent the evening enjoying ridiculous girly talk & so much laughter.

Sunday:

Final day of relaxation, of no responsibility, of quiet, of being without my beloved & the two little loves of my life. We ate a leisurely breakfast and headed out for one last hike on a little path through Canmore. We had coffee & stopped at a store so that I could buy the one thing that both caught my eye & would serve to remind me of the joy I felt that weekend.

It's been several weeks & little details have escaped me, but there were a few moments and just general feelings that I remember most clearly.

I was moved nearly to tears several times over the weekend because my sisters and my mom took time out of their schedules to plan and execute a trip simply because of me... I know and have always known that all three of them love me so much, but I've never felt like I fit in with them. This weekend made me realize that regardless of age, financial situation, location just being family creates a love and acceptance that I've never felt.

On the drive to and from Lake Louise, we stumbled into serious conversations and we each treated each other with kindness and respect. I have a genuine desire to learn from all three of these women things that they have done right with their kids, how to best relate to our husbands, how to accept who we are... They are chalk-full of wisdom!

Listening to music, especially Bart Millard. It made me think of my childhood, listening to Sheri & Christi sing, but being too young to join in... All 4 of us sang old hymns together & praised God together. Music is so important to me and it's something that I have in common with each of them. I happen to be listening to him right now!

Anyway, thanks to each of my 'surprisers.' You were just who I would have asked to be involved had I planned it myself. I love each and every one of you and I thank you so much for loving me!

I'm planning on posting a detailed account of my amazing weekend away, but I'm a little busy today... I'll post some pics now and do another post later.

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