A lot has been happening in our lives and in my heart, so I'll share a little bit with you.
The biggest change that's happening for us right now? Trevor and Eli are both starting school next week. Trev found out on Thursday of last week that WCB had agreed to send him to school. He spent a few hours at the college on Friday morning, doing all the work that usually takes 2 - 3 weeks to complete. Everything is set now... We've got his schedule, his new computer (paid for by WCB, thank you very much,) his account at the college bookstore is loaded with cash just waiting to be spent on school supplies, texts, and tools. Talk about a whirlwind. Please keep him in your prayers. I know that he's excited (he is actually EXPRESSING emotion right now, so you know he's feeling good,) but I think he's pretty nervous too. It's been about 15 years since he sat in a classroom.... I know I'd be nervous even though I'm SO much younger than he is and has been in a classroom MUCH more recently than he has :) Of course, I'm teasing.... I'm really happy for him. He's been wondering and worrying about how he's going to provide for his family in the future and now that's set. I know he's going to do well.... He's naturally gifted with computers and so IT should be a breeze for him. Still, I wish it were me headed back to school, but it's just not God's plan right now for me.... Maybe never, so I need to learn to be okay with that.... Contentment, people, my constant struggle. :)
Eli starts school on Tuesday. We headed in to meet his teacher this morning and Eli's pretty excited to get things going. Me? Not so much. I'm absolutely not ready for Eli to leave my nest yet, but rest assured.... I haven't expressed anything but excitement to him. I promise I won't cry until AFTER I drop him off that first day! He'll do great, I'm sure....
So what's going on with me? What am I hiding deep in my heart? Please.... I beg you.... Don't judge me because I'm going to practice some of that 'transparency' I've been talking about.First of all, and on a positive note, I've continued my sincere search for joy, but it`s so much more than that. God spoke to me, kind of with a hammer of scripture, that joy is a fruit of the spirit. In order for me to experience and portray a fruit of the spirit, I have to be anointed by the Spirit. That`s where the nitty gritty dropped on my lap. Sunday after Sunday, & one daily devotion after another, I heard and read about how God`s hand should be evident. I`m reading a book right now that I think everyone who is searching for a closer relationship with the Heavenly Father should read, ``Prodigal God`` by Timothy Keller. Oh, how I hate to admit short-comings, but here goes. I was living my life in a moralistic, legalistic manner. In some sub-conscious (or maybe at times, conscious) way, I`ve been obeying God`s commands with the thought that if I do, he`ll repay me with a good life. There have been many times in my life when I`ve had hard things happen to me, (being raped is just one example) and my response is anger. Why would I be angry with God because I`m going through something tough unless it was because I thought I deserved better.... I`m sick about how arrogant I`ve been. When I`ve been wronged, I`ve felt justified in feeling offended (you know, because I live such a spotless life and nothing I`ve ever done is as horrible as this :( As if!) and not only am I justified, but I also have every right to withhold forgiveness and remind said individual of the offense. Blah.... This is harder than you think. I`ve been kind & charitable in my past because 1. God will bless me for it, or 2. I can feel good about myself. I`ve been guilty of forgetting that my salvation is a GIFT from Christ and not something I can earn. And when I do something wrong, it stays with me forever because I`m never convinced that I`ve repented enough.
One definition from Timothy Keller`s book really struck me. The Gospel says that everyone is wrong, everyone is loved, & everyone is called to recognize this and change! I`ve learned a great deal about God and my relationship with Him. I`m struggling every day to remind myself that Christ died for me... And that`s all there is. I don`t need to work hard in order for him to love me, because He already does. I`ve learned that when I repent, I need to repent of my sins, yes, but also for the deeper reasons in my heart for doing good things too, (for example, because we can earn our way into heaven and therefore can be our own savior.) I've learned that Jesus wants me to give forgiveness and mercy readily, especially when it's unmerited. Remember.... If mercy is deserved, it's not mercy. I needed (& at times, still need,) for my heart to be transformed. I have a habit of seeing God as a boss.... One who demands obedience and good works. I need to be able to look at Him as my loving Dad. I need to learn to rest in the Father. I want to acknowledge my need (which is what I'm doing in front of all of you.... Humiliating myself,) rest by faith, & gaze in wonder and amazement at the work of my big bro... Jesus.
I've learned that as a daughter of my Dad in Heaven, Jesus is, in a way, my older brother. Not only did He give me unmerited mercy, but He also forgave me and boy,was it costly!
So what's going on with me? What am I hiding deep in my heart? Please.... I beg you.... Don't judge me because I'm going to practice some of that 'transparency' I've been talking about.First of all, and on a positive note, I've continued my sincere search for joy, but it`s so much more than that. God spoke to me, kind of with a hammer of scripture, that joy is a fruit of the spirit. In order for me to experience and portray a fruit of the spirit, I have to be anointed by the Spirit. That`s where the nitty gritty dropped on my lap. Sunday after Sunday, & one daily devotion after another, I heard and read about how God`s hand should be evident. I`m reading a book right now that I think everyone who is searching for a closer relationship with the Heavenly Father should read, ``Prodigal God`` by Timothy Keller. Oh, how I hate to admit short-comings, but here goes. I was living my life in a moralistic, legalistic manner. In some sub-conscious (or maybe at times, conscious) way, I`ve been obeying God`s commands with the thought that if I do, he`ll repay me with a good life. There have been many times in my life when I`ve had hard things happen to me, (being raped is just one example) and my response is anger. Why would I be angry with God because I`m going through something tough unless it was because I thought I deserved better.... I`m sick about how arrogant I`ve been. When I`ve been wronged, I`ve felt justified in feeling offended (you know, because I live such a spotless life and nothing I`ve ever done is as horrible as this :( As if!) and not only am I justified, but I also have every right to withhold forgiveness and remind said individual of the offense. Blah.... This is harder than you think. I`ve been kind & charitable in my past because 1. God will bless me for it, or 2. I can feel good about myself. I`ve been guilty of forgetting that my salvation is a GIFT from Christ and not something I can earn. And when I do something wrong, it stays with me forever because I`m never convinced that I`ve repented enough.
One definition from Timothy Keller`s book really struck me. The Gospel says that everyone is wrong, everyone is loved, & everyone is called to recognize this and change! I`ve learned a great deal about God and my relationship with Him. I`m struggling every day to remind myself that Christ died for me... And that`s all there is. I don`t need to work hard in order for him to love me, because He already does. I`ve learned that when I repent, I need to repent of my sins, yes, but also for the deeper reasons in my heart for doing good things too, (for example, because we can earn our way into heaven and therefore can be our own savior.) I've learned that Jesus wants me to give forgiveness and mercy readily, especially when it's unmerited. Remember.... If mercy is deserved, it's not mercy. I needed (& at times, still need,) for my heart to be transformed. I have a habit of seeing God as a boss.... One who demands obedience and good works. I need to be able to look at Him as my loving Dad. I need to learn to rest in the Father. I want to acknowledge my need (which is what I'm doing in front of all of you.... Humiliating myself,) rest by faith, & gaze in wonder and amazement at the work of my big bro... Jesus.
I've learned that as a daughter of my Dad in Heaven, Jesus is, in a way, my older brother. Not only did He give me unmerited mercy, but He also forgave me and boy,was it costly!
I sincerely hope I haven't offended anyone with my honesty. It's healing for me to write and I feel like a weight has been lifted because of it. Please, let me know if I've gone too far okay?
I've been listening to a song by Kari Jobe that has been amazing and really speaks to the relationship I want to have with my Savior.
'I wanna sit at Your feet
Drink from the cup in Your hand
Lean back against You and breathe
Feel Your heartbeat.
This love is so deep
It's more than I can stand.
I melt in Your peace
It's overwhelming!'Have a listen for yourself:
1 comment:
I realized that I had scanned through this post, but not had a chance to fully read it. Thank you so much for sharing your heart Beckie. No, you didn't share too much or offend!!! I also don't think you should feel humiliated. On the contrary, it makes you very approachable & trustworthy. I already thought that of you, but if I didn't know you, that's how I'd feel because I know if you're willing to share your heart, you're going to be honest & open with me:) I love you cousin!!
Please know that you're not alone in all this. God is still working on all of us. He's not finished with us yet!!! (Hallelujah....otherwise I'd be in trouble!)
When I read this I thought of the devotional that Sheri & I have started working through together. It's a study of the book of Philippians called "Experiencing God's Peace". Sheri & I have talked a lot about joy nearly since we met. I'd love to go through the book with you too. I'm only on chapter 4:)
I learned this song at a ladies retreat that Pastor Charlie & Kaye put on back in 2006. It immediately came to mind when I read this post.
You are the keeper of my heart
You are the lover of my soul
You are my very passion, Jesus
And all I want to do is sit at your feet
And listen to You breath, Jesus
I'll try to find the music for you. It's beautiful.
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